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object:Bill Hicks
class:author
class:Comedy


--- WIKI
William Melvin Hicks (December 16, 1961 February 26, 1994) was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, satirist and musician. His materialencompassing a wide range of social issues including religion, politics, and philosophywas controversial and often steeped in dark comedy. At the age of 16, while still in high school, Hicks began performing at the Comedy Workshop in Houston, Texas. During the 1980s, he toured the U.S. extensively and made a number of high-profile television appearances, but it was in the UK that he amassed a significant fan base, filling large venues during his 1991 tour. He also achieved some recognition as a guitarist and songwriter. Hicks died of pancreatic cancer on February 26, 1994, at the age of 32. In subsequent years, his work gained significant acclaim in creative circlesparticularly after a series of posthumous album releasesand he developed a substantial cult following. In 2007, he was No. 6 on Channel 4's list of the "100 Greatest Stand-Up Comics", and rose to No. 4 on the 2010 list. In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked him No. 13 on its list of the 50 best stand-up comics of all time.

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QUOTES [31 / 31 - 361 / 361]


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   31 Bill Hicks

NEW FULL DB (2.4M)

  320 Bill Hicks
   31 Bill Hicks
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1:What does an atheist scream when they come? ~ Bill Hicks,
2:What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? ~ Bill Hicks,
3:Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas. ~ Bill Hicks,
4:Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive. ~ Bill Hicks,
5:Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye. ~ Bill Hicks,
6:By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. ~ Bill Hicks,
7:I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest. ~ Bill Hicks,
8:I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust. ~ Bill Hicks,
9:Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception, so that I may know only reality. ~ Bill Hicks,
10:It's all about money, not freedom. You think you're free? Try going somewhere without money. ~ Bill Hicks,
11:Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered. ~ Bill Hicks,
12:I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit. ~ Bill Hicks,
13:It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet. ~ Bill Hicks,
14:I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'. ~ Bill Hicks,
15:When you're...stepping over a guy on the sidewalk...does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?' ~ Bill Hicks,
16:The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey...there's one guy holding up both! ~ Bill Hicks,
17:The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans. ~ Bill Hicks,
18:Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense. ~ Bill Hicks,
19:The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light. ~ Bill Hicks,
20:I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House. ~ Bill Hicks,
21:I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country ... how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one? ~ Bill Hicks,
22:I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first: Iraq: 150,000, USA: 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!" ~ Bill Hicks,
23:This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart. ~ Bill Hicks,
24:Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me.". ~ Bill Hicks,
25:If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in. ~ Bill Hicks,
26:I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm . . . I dunno . . . I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress. ~ Bill Hicks,
27:Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. ~ Bill Hicks,
28:I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor - even President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero - that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun. ~ Bill Hicks,
29:Did you know that when a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? And you're trying to tell me that your child is special because one out of 200 million -- that load! we're talking one load! -- connected. Gee, what are the fucking odds? 200 million; you know what that means? I have wiped civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! That is special. And I want you to remember that, you two egg-carrying beings out there, with that holier-than-thou "we have the gift of life" attitude. I've tossed universes...in my underpants...while napping! Boom! A milky way shoots into my jockey shorts, "Aaaah, what's for fucking breakfast? ~ Bill Hicks,
30:Always that same LSD story, you've all seen it. 'Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy.' What a dick! Fuck him, he's an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off on the ground first? Check it out. You don't see ducks lined up to catch elevators to fly south-they fly from the ground, ya moron, quit ruining it for everybody. He's a moron, he's dead-good, we lost a moron, fuckin' celebrate. Wow, I just felt the world get lighter. We lost a moron! I don't mean to sound cold, or cruel, or vicious, but I am, so that's the way it comes out. Professional help is being sought. How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy. 'Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves' . . . 'Here's Tom with the weather. ~ Bill Hicks,
31:The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we ... kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok ... But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. ~ Bill Hicks,

*** NEWFULLDB 2.4M ***

1:I want my rockstars dead. ~ Bill Hicks
2:What are you reading for? ~ Bill Hicks
3:You all saw him - he had a gun. ~ Bill Hicks
4:Freebird, the mantra of the moron. ~ Bill Hicks
5:Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage. ~ Bill Hicks
6:I've said all that I've had to say. ~ Bill Hicks
7:Humanity is just a virus with shoes. ~ Bill Hicks
8:You are the imagination of yourself. ~ Bill Hicks
9:All governments are lying cocksuckers. ~ Bill Hicks
10:Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously. ~ Bill Hicks
11:I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul ~ Bill Hicks
12:So, it's good to be here, wherever I am. ~ Bill Hicks
13:What does an atheist scream when they come? ~ Bill Hicks
14:What does an atheist scream when they come? ~ Bill Hicks,
15:...goodness is murdered, mediocrity thrives... ~ Bill Hicks
16:How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs. ~ Bill Hicks
17:not all drugs are good.. some of them are great ~ Bill Hicks
18:They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer ~ Bill Hicks
19:And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong? ~ Bill Hicks
20:Just one thing I know for sure, chicks dig jerks. ~ Bill Hicks
21:I am available for children's parties, by the way. ~ Bill Hicks
22:I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day. ~ Bill Hicks
23:I believe everyone has this fuckin' poem in his heart. ~ Bill Hicks
24:The next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas. ~ Bill Hicks
25:We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution. ~ Bill Hicks
26:If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews. ~ Bill Hicks
27:It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it. ~ Bill Hicks
28:Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever. ~ Bill Hicks
29:It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom. ~ Bill Hicks
30:I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth. ~ Bill Hicks
31:I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is ~ Bill Hicks
32:Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows. ~ Bill Hicks
33:Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? ~ Bill Hicks
34:I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life. ~ Bill Hicks
35:Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves. ~ Bill Hicks
36:What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? ~ Bill Hicks
37:Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. ~ Bill Hicks
38:Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas. ~ Bill Hicks
39:Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. ~ Bill Hicks
40:What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? ~ Bill Hicks,
41:I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me. ~ Bill Hicks
42:Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas. ~ Bill Hicks,
43:Don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride. ~ Bill Hicks
44:Yesterday, some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury. ~ Bill Hicks
45:Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive. ~ Bill Hicks
46:I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck. ~ Bill Hicks
47:Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive. ~ Bill Hicks,
48:Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love. ~ Bill Hicks
49:If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind. ~ Bill Hicks
50:Life is only a dream and we are only the imagination of ourselves. ~ Bill Hicks
51:Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining. ~ Bill Hicks
52:It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. ~ Bill Hicks
53:She was a southern girl, which is the same as saying she was insane. ~ Bill Hicks
54:When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side. ~ Bill Hicks
55:I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band. ~ Bill Hicks
56:Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye. ~ Bill Hicks
57:I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night. ~ Bill Hicks
58:I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego. ~ Bill Hicks
59:To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake. ~ Bill Hicks
60:Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye. ~ Bill Hicks,
61:We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. ~ Bill Hicks
62:Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up. ~ Bill Hicks
63:By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. ~ Bill Hicks
64:Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier. ~ Bill Hicks
65:By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. ~ Bill Hicks,
66:I am a misanthropic humanist... Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY. ~ Bill Hicks
67:It's always funny until someone gets hurt.

Then it's just hilarious. ~ Bill Hicks
68:To me, Texas is Austin, a bunch of cool people trying to make a difference. ~ Bill Hicks
69:We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God - I am killing me! ~ Bill Hicks
70:The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions ~ Bill Hicks
71:It is, and has been, and will forever be, this world of ours, a fucking joke. ~ Bill Hicks
72:I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative. ~ Bill Hicks
73:I hate patriotism... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked. ~ Bill Hicks
74:It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick. ~ Bill Hicks
75:I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest. ~ Bill Hicks
76:In the beginning God created the heavans and the earth... see you at the final. ~ Bill Hicks
77:I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust. ~ Bill Hicks
78:I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest. ~ Bill Hicks,
79:My voice was not heard, the questions were not asked that I wanted to see asked. ~ Bill Hicks
80:Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer. ~ Bill Hicks
81:I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust. ~ Bill Hicks,
82:Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags. ~ Bill Hicks
83:Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to. ~ Bill Hicks
84:You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved? ~ Bill Hicks
85:Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. ~ Bill Hicks
86:I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out. ~ Bill Hicks
87:The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form. ~ Bill Hicks
88:Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health-nut dude. The plot thickens. ~ Bill Hicks
89:No one knows what it's like ... to be a dustbin ... in Shaftesbury ... with hooligans. ~ Bill Hicks
90:Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour. ~ Bill Hicks
91:Nonsmokers--this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight. ~ Bill Hicks
92:Isn't that weird, we've made nature against the law. That's how un-natural we've become. ~ Bill Hicks
93:I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes] ~ Bill Hicks
94:I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes. ~ Bill Hicks
95:Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal. ~ Bill Hicks
96:Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception, so that I may know only reality. ~ Bill Hicks
97:It's all about money, not freedom. You think you're free? Try going somewhere without money. ~ Bill Hicks
98:Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception, so that I may know only reality. ~ Bill Hicks,
99:You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring. ~ Bill Hicks
100:A Christian will say... "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it. ~ Bill Hicks
101:It's all about money, not freedom. You think you're free? Try going somewhere without money. ~ Bill Hicks,
102:Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you. ~ Bill Hicks
103:Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered. ~ Bill Hicks
104:Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered. ~ Bill Hicks,
105:I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind's sole purpose on this planet. ~ Bill Hicks
106:Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded. ~ Bill Hicks
107:Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'. ~ Bill Hicks
108:Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus. ~ Bill Hicks
109:People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha? ~ Bill Hicks
110:As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people. ~ Bill Hicks
111:I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it. ~ Bill Hicks
112:I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas. ~ Bill Hicks
113:It's all about money, not freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without money, okay? ~ Bill Hicks
114:BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book. ~ Bill Hicks
115:I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. ~ Bill Hicks
116:I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious. ~ Bill Hicks
117:We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it. ~ Bill Hicks
118:I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells. ~ Bill Hicks
119:And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it. ~ Bill Hicks
120:If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender. ~ Bill Hicks
121:It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside. ~ Bill Hicks
122:I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit. ~ Bill Hicks
123:What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? ~ Bill Hicks
124:I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit. ~ Bill Hicks,
125:Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern. ~ Bill Hicks
126:Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that. ~ Bill Hicks
127:Marijuana grows naturally...Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural? ~ Bill Hicks
128:I was always 'awake'...Some part of me clamoring for NEW insights and NEW ways to make the world a better place. ~ Bill Hicks
129:Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride ... ~ Bill Hicks
130:I don't identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for. ~ Bill Hicks
131:It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party. ~ Bill Hicks
132:Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you. ~ Bill Hicks
133:We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? ~ Bill Hicks
134:Rock stars against drugs--that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now! ~ Bill Hicks
135:If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them. ~ Bill Hicks
136:I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties. ~ Bill Hicks
137:Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick--'You hate this country'....I have to tell him...I just hate being lied to. ~ Bill Hicks
138:Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. ~ Bill Hicks
139:England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But - there's no connection. ~ Bill Hicks
140:I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin' mouth. ~ Bill Hicks
141:It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know? ~ Bill Hicks
142:That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one. ~ Bill Hicks
143:Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me. ~ Bill Hicks
144:Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is. ~ Bill Hicks
145:I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties. ~ Bill Hicks
146:I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When? ~ Bill Hicks
147:I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs. ~ Bill Hicks
148:I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth. ~ Bill Hicks
149:I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. ~ Bill Hicks
150:Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?...No, it's not...That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve. ~ Bill Hicks
151:It's hard to have a relationship in this business...it's gonna take a very special woman...or a bunch of average ones. ~ Bill Hicks
152:'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style. ~ Bill Hicks
153:I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?' ~ Bill Hicks
154:It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet. ~ Bill Hicks
155:Oh--won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?...L.A. fell in the ocean?... There is a God. He loves us all so much. ~ Bill Hicks
156:Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television. ~ Bill Hicks
157:We really are All One....this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years. ~ Bill Hicks
158:Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood. ~ Bill Hicks
159:....All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week. ~ Bill Hicks
160:A lotta Christians wear crosses 'round their necks; do you think if Jesus comes back he ever wants to see another cross? ~ Bill Hicks
161:I don't get along with anything, I really don't...I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being. ~ Bill Hicks
162:It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet. ~ Bill Hicks,
163:I was just down in Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it. ~ Bill Hicks
164:So scary watching the news...Like Iraq...could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever. ~ Bill Hicks
165:What before seemed a...frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all. ~ Bill Hicks
166:All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real. ~ Bill Hicks
167:Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'? ~ Bill Hicks
168:[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.' ~ Bill Hicks
169:I...am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light...in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required. ~ Bill Hicks
170:Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life? ~ Bill Hicks
171:I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all. ~ Bill Hicks
172:I've had good times on drugs...bad times on drugs...But I've had good and bad relationships...and I'm not giving up pussy. ~ Bill Hicks
173:Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves...After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do. ~ Bill Hicks
174:I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more. ~ Bill Hicks
175:Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. ~ Bill Hicks
176:"Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth." ... I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, "Lung Cancer." ~ Bill Hicks
177:To me pornography is...spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons. ~ Bill Hicks
178:All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.' ~ Bill Hicks
179:God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality. ~ Bill Hicks
180:I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world. ~ Bill Hicks
181:I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you. ~ Bill Hicks
182:I go to dance clubs...about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!' ~ Bill Hicks
183:I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'. ~ Bill Hicks
184:No one can give you any answers. There aren't any. You have to discover for yourself-you must learn to navigate the mystery. ~ Bill Hicks
185:The world's like a ride in a fairground & when you choose to go on it you think it's real, that's how powerful our minds are ~ Bill Hicks
186:We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it. ~ Bill Hicks
187:I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'. ~ Bill Hicks,
188:I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing...Those unwanted babies...? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps. ~ Bill Hicks
189:It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung. ~ Bill Hicks
190:Sixteen years I've pounded my head against the mentality of America, which...I'd say it's about an 8th grade emotional level. ~ Bill Hicks
191:That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies...and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama. ~ Bill Hicks
192:Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years. ~ Bill Hicks
193:When you're...stepping over a guy on the sidewalk...does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?' ~ Bill Hicks
194:You know what I hate about working? Bosses...The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well...I think you see the conflict. ~ Bill Hicks
195:I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting. ~ Bill Hicks
196:I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO...explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death. ~ Bill Hicks
197:...love rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all. ~ Bill Hicks
198:People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings...brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 'You ain't from around here, ar'ya?' ~ Bill Hicks
199:Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority. ~ Bill Hicks
200:The CIA has a plot...they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem...is convincing Hussein...to fly to Dallas. ~ Bill Hicks
201:The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey...there's one guy holding up both! ~ Bill Hicks
202:The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally. ~ Bill Hicks
203:This is the idea that has made me...an anonymous figure in America...If you have children here tonight...they are NOT special. ~ Bill Hicks
204:We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons? ~ Bill Hicks
205:When you're...stepping over a guy on the sidewalk...does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?' ~ Bill Hicks,
206:Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it? ~ Bill Hicks
207:You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America. ~ Bill Hicks
208:In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night ~ Bill Hicks
209:Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me. ~ Bill Hicks
210:Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God! ~ Bill Hicks
211:The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans. ~ Bill Hicks
212:The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey...there's one guy holding up both! ~ Bill Hicks,
213:There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue - those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS - but they remain strangely silent. ~ Bill Hicks
214:I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic ~ Bill Hicks
215:I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York... Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye! ~ Bill Hicks
216:The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans. ~ Bill Hicks,
217:You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on. ~ Bill Hicks
218:I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic. ~ Bill Hicks
219:Bill Hicks - blowtorch, excavator, truthsayer, and brain specialist. He will correct your vision. Others will drive on the road he built. ~ Tom Waits
220:If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries. ~ Bill Hicks
221:Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs. ~ Bill Hicks
222:The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. ~ Bill Hicks
223:People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. ~ Bill Hicks
224:They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say..." ~ Bill Hicks
225:I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative. I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me. ~ Bill Hicks
226:Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it. ~ Bill Hicks
227:The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act. ~ Bill Hicks
228:What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis; not the young, cool guy, always the bloated fool. ~ Bill Hicks
229:The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too? ~ Bill Hicks
230:Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense. ~ Bill Hicks
231:Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense. ~ Bill Hicks,
232:Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural? ~ Bill Hicks
233:I've been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately. ~ Bill Hicks
234:Go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Go back to bed America... you are free to do as we tell you... you are free to do as we tell you. ~ Bill Hicks
235:It's all about money, not freedom, y'all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin' freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay? ~ Bill Hicks
236:I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage. ~ Bill Hicks
237:That's why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all you've learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth. ~ Bill Hicks
238:I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side. ~ Bill Hicks
239:How do I know the Bible isn't the word of God? Well if it was the word of God it would be clear and easy to understand...considering God was the creator of LANGUAGE! ~ Bill Hicks
240:They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet. ~ Bill Hicks
241:You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull. ~ Bill Hicks
242:I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it. ~ Bill Hicks
243:I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply. ~ Bill Hicks
244:I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening! ~ Bill Hicks
245:On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did. ~ Bill Hicks
246:On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did." ~ Bill Hicks
247:I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true. ~ Bill Hicks
248:I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.'

You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it. ~ Bill Hicks
249:They tell us "Rock'n'roll is the devil's music." Well, let's say we know that rock is the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure ... At least he f-kin' jams! If it's a choice ~ Bill Hicks
250:It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time. ~ Bill Hicks
251:I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't ~ Bill Hicks
252:Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I'll prove it to you. You're at a ball game or a concert, and someone's really violent and agressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? ~ Bill Hicks
253:The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light. ~ Bill Hicks
254:The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people’s minds, exposing them to the light. ~ Bill Hicks
255:The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light. ~ Bill Hicks,
256:Such a weird belief. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross, man? "Ow." Might be why he hasn't shown up yet. ~ Bill Hicks
257:Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. ~ Bill Hicks
258:I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club. ~ Bill Hicks
259:Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it. ~ Bill Hicks
260:It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy. ~ Bill Hicks
261:How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy. ~ Bill Hicks
262:I think that being on the road and doing more and more stand-up has allowed me to figure out... like, I don't think I'll ever be Bill Hicks, but I think I'm figuring out what my opinion is on things. ~ Nick Kroll
263:What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It's gonna be worth it!. ~ Bill Hicks
264:Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally on our planet, serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying that God made a mistake. ~ Bill Hicks
265:But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass. ~ Bill Hicks
266:The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Beleive or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options. ~ Bill Hicks
267:The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options. ~ Bill Hicks
268:I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House. ~ Bill Hicks
269:I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House. ~ Bill Hicks,
270:How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? ...Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor? ~ Bill Hicks
271:People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left. ~ Bill Hicks
272:They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference. ~ Bill Hicks
273:I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. ~ Bill Hicks
274:Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-fucking-proposals...and the first thought that enters my mind is, "And I'm not getting laid." What am I doing wrong? ~ Bill Hicks
275:I think it's interesting how people act on their beliefs. A lot of Christians, for instance, wear crosses around their necks. Nice sentiment, but do you think when Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to look at a cross? ~ Bill Hicks
276:People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally. ~ Bill Hicks
277:I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone? ~ Bill Hicks
278:How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt. ~ Bill Hicks
279:I didn't know that people compared Bill Hicks and I but certainly I'm flattered if they do. I knew Bill a bit. We had dinner a couple of times and played guitar together once. I really tried to keep my distance from him professionally. ~ Marc Maron
280:I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care … but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks … you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? ~ Bill Hicks
281:And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, "This is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create Republicans." ~ Bill Hicks
282:You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it ~ Bill Hicks
283:I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care ... but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks ... you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? ~ Bill Hicks
284:See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money! ~ Bill Hicks
285:They're puttin' music to AIDS germs--putting a drum machine behind them and a metronome beat and Ted Turner's colorizing them, goddamn it. These aren't even really people, man. It's a CIA plot to make you think malls are good. Don't you see? ~ Bill Hicks
286:How many of y'all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death - step on the f***ing gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck - I think I see a way out of this. ~ Bill Hicks
287:You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts." ~ Bill Hicks
288:The police force in America pledge to “protect and serve.” That would actually be dandy if it were happening. Bill Hicks used to joke that he’d like to hijack a typically unpunctual plane and force it to go to its scheduled destination on time. ~ Russell Brand
289:I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. And I say no, it's not, Dad. Well, I believe that it is. Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth. ~ Bill Hicks
290:Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister. ~ Bill Hicks
291:I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'... what a great country we live in. DIRT for sale. How would you like to get inside that guy's mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he? ~ Bill Hicks
292:People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction. ~ Bill Hicks
293:Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? ~ Bill Hicks
294:I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking) ~ Bill Hicks
295:When you snatch little pieces of other people's lives and try to palm them off as your own, that's more disgusting than anything. Robin Williams is a huge thief. Denis Leary is a huge thief. His whole stand-up career is based on Bill Hicks, a brilliant guy who died years ago. ~ Joe Rogan
296:While I've found many of the religious shows I've viewed over the years not to be to my liking, or in line with my own beliefs, I've never considered it my place to exert any greater type of censorship than changing the channel, or better yet - turning off the TV completely. ~ Bill Hicks
297:There are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in. ~ Bill Hicks
298:Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather. ~ Bill Hicks
299:The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney, its so obviously phoney, ok? It's a war against our civil rights, that's all it is. They're using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get suspending our rights one by one. ~ Bill Hicks
300:Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather. ~ Bill Hicks
301:I was walking through Central Park, and I saw an old man smoking. Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking. This guy was ancient, bent over a walker, puffing away. I'm like, "Duuude, you're my hero! Guy your age smoking, man, it's great." He goes, "What? I'm 28. ~ Bill Hicks
302:Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration and that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and you are the imagination of yourself. Here's Tom with the weather...! ~ Bill Hicks
303:She was a southern girl, which is the same as saying she was insane. All southern women are insane. Some are cold blooded killers and some are harmless eccentrics, but the best of the breed exhibit both of these characteristics and always the one you expect the least at the time you least expect it. ~ Bill Hicks
304:The waitress comes over to me like, 'What'chu readin' for?' I had never been asked that. Not 'What am I reading?' but 'What am I reading for?' Goddammit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don't end up being a... waffle waitress. ~ Bill Hicks
305:What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all one. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's gonna fuck up the economy! The economy that's fake anyway! Ha ha ha! Which would be a real bummer. You know. You can see why the government's cracking down... on the idea of experiencing unconditional love, ah. ~ Bill Hicks
306:People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime - who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?' ~ Bill Hicks
307:Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um - they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? ~ Bill Hicks
308:Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? ~ Bill Hicks
309:I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one? ~ Bill Hicks
310:I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country... How are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one? ~ Bill Hicks
311:I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country ... how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one? ~ Bill Hicks,
312:People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day? ~ Bill Hicks
313:You know all the money we spend on nuclear weapons and defence every year? Trillions of dollars? Correct? Trillions. Instead, if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world,which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, not one, we could, as one race, explore outer space together in peace forever ~ Bill Hicks
314:I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first: Iraq: 150,000, USA: 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!" ~ Bill Hicks
315:I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first: Iraq: 150,000, USA: 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!" ~ Bill Hicks,
316:This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart. ~ Bill Hicks
317:This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart. ~ Bill Hicks,
318:I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man. ~ Bill Hicks
319:I know this is not a very popular idea. You don't hear it too often any more … but it's the truth. I have taken drugs before and … I had a real good time. Sorry. Didn't murder anybody, didn't rape anybody, didn't rob anybody, didn't beat anybody, didn't lose – hmm – one fucking job, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry. Now, where's my commercial? ~ Bill Hicks
320:I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them. And Eve said, Yeah... it's just not enough is it? ~ Bill Hicks
321:Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me.". ~ Bill Hicks
322:Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me.". ~ Bill Hicks,
323:I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now I wonder why we're f-ked up as a race. I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the f-king book. ~ Bill Hicks
324:I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . . Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You're dead too. ~ Bill Hicks
325:I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now … I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book. ~ Bill Hicks
326:Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like... every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make. ~ Bill Hicks
327:I brought something back from those experiences [with drugs] which made me softer, open to other ideas. And I've learned from listening to other people talk about their experiences, from listening to Bill Hicks or reading Terrence McKenna or Aldous Huxley and Timothy Leary. But there's always some dumb cop out there who says "We don't need another legal drug and there's psychological addiction and blah blah blah." ~ Joe Rogan
328:...I just want to be free of the fears and anxieties and the superstitions of religion. An 'avenging GOD'? One who created Hell for those who don't believe? I thought we were the perfect and holy children of GOD? How could any limits possibly be put upon us? Hell.. really? I'm sorry, but... no. Wrong. You're wrong. That's an insane GOD and therefore not mine. Because, see, GOD would be very sane, don't you get it? ~ Bill Hicks
329:That's what I hate about the war on drugs. All day long we see those commercials: "Here's your brain, here's your brain on drugs", "Just Say No", "Why do you think they call it dope?" … And then the next commercial is [singing] "This Bud's for yooouuuu." C'mon, everybody, let's be hypocritical bastards. It's okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs. Those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you. ~ Bill Hicks
330:he ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference." ~ Doug Stanhope
331:Here is my final point...About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography...What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, or take into my body as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? And for those who are having a little moral dilemma in your head about how to answer that question, I'll answer it for you. NONE of your fucking business. Take that to the bank, cash it, and go fucking on a vacation out of my life. ~ Bill Hicks
332:You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years were rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes. ~ Bill Hicks
333:Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, Duh, where are all the famous people? ~ Chris Rock
334:This is the material, by the way, that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for the past 15 years. Gee, I wonder why we're hated the world over? Look at these fat Americans in the front row - 'Why doesn't he just hit fruit with a hammer?' Folks, I could have done that, walked around being a millionaire and franchising myself but no, I had to have this weird thing about trying to illuminate the collective unconscious and help humanity. Fucking moron. ~ Bill Hicks
335:If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in. ~ Bill Hicks
336:If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in. ~ Bill Hicks,
337:I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know. ~ Bill Hicks
338:No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. ~ Bill Hicks
339:Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you! ~ Bill Hicks
340:Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once?

"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather. ~ Bill Hicks
341:I'm a fan of Bill Hicks. He did things that no other stand up did at the time. He was making fun of religion, at that time it was a lot harder to say those things in the States than it was here. To slag off Christianity and fundamentalist Christians, and to be pro drugs and anti gun in the deep south, that's a big ask. And he did that and made it funny. Bill Hicks was able to say things that he really thought, and he managed to make those thoughts funny without a care if it antagonised people. ~ Ed Byrne
342:How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy. 'Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves' . . . 'Here's Tom with the weather. ~ Bill Hicks
343:I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm...I dunno...I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress. ~ Bill Hicks
344:I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm . . . I dunno . . . I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress. ~ Bill Hicks
345:I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm . . . I dunno . . . I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress. ~ Bill Hicks,
346:I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it. I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here. ~ Bill Hicks
347:Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. ~ Bill Hicks
348:Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. ~ Bill Hicks,
349:I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor - even President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero - that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun. ~ Bill Hicks
350:I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor - even President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero - that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun. ~ Bill Hicks,
351:The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people. ~ Bill Hicks
352:Whenever I tell people I'm a misanthrope they react as though that's a bad thing, the idiots. I live in London, for God's sake. Have you walked down Oxford Street recently? Misanthropy's the only thing that gets you through it. It's not a personality flaw, it's a skill.

It's nothing to do with sheer numbers. Move me to a remote cottage in the Hebrides and I'd learn to despise the postman, even if he only visited once a year. I can't abide other people, with their stink and their noise and their irritating ringtones. Bill Hicks called the human race 'a virus with shoes', and if you ask me he was being unduly hard on viruses; I'd consider a career in serial killing if the pay wasn't so bad. ~ Charlie Brooker
353:Did you know that when a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? And you're trying to tell me that your child is special because one out of 200 million -- that load! we're talking one load! -- connected. Gee, what are the fucking odds? 200 million; you know what that means? I have wiped civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! That is special. And I want you to remember that, you two egg-carrying beings out there, with that holier-than-thou "we have the gift of life" attitude. I've tossed universes...in my underpants...while napping! Boom! A milky way shoots into my jockey shorts, "Aaaah, what's for fucking breakfast? ~ Bill Hicks
354:Did you know that when a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? And you're trying to tell me that your child is special because one out of 200 million -- that load! we're talking one load! -- connected. Gee, what are the fucking odds? 200 million; you know what that means? I have wiped civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! That is special. And I want you to remember that, you two egg-carrying beings out there, with that holier-than-thou "we have the gift of life" attitude. I've tossed universes...in my underpants...while napping! Boom! A milky way shoots into my jockey shorts, "Aaaah, what's for fucking breakfast? ~ Bill Hicks,
355:So I'm over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots... and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me... 'Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it's any consolation crime is horrible here, too.' ...Shutup. This is Hobbitown and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article - front page of the paper - one day, in England: 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry.' Wooooo... 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight. ~ Bill Hicks
356:The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. ~ Bill Hicks
357:Always that same LSD story, you've all seen it. 'Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy.' What a dick! Fuck him, he’s an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn’t he take off on the ground first? Check it out. You don’t see ducks lined up to catch elevators to fly south—they fly from the ground, ya moron, quit ruining it for everybody. He’s a moron, he’s dead—good, we lost a moron, fuckin’ celebrate. Wow, I just felt the world get lighter. We lost a moron! I don’t mean to sound cold, or cruel, or vicious, but I am, so that’s the way it comes out. Professional help is being sought. How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy. 'Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves' . . . 'Here's Tom with the weather. ~ Bill Hicks
358:Always that same LSD story, you've all seen it. 'Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy.' What a dick! Fuck him, he's an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off on the ground first? Check it out. You don't see ducks lined up to catch elevators to fly south-they fly from the ground, ya moron, quit ruining it for everybody. He's a moron, he's dead-good, we lost a moron, fuckin' celebrate. Wow, I just felt the world get lighter. We lost a moron! I don't mean to sound cold, or cruel, or vicious, but I am, so that's the way it comes out. Professional help is being sought. How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy. 'Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves' . . . 'Here's Tom with the weather. ~ Bill Hicks,
359:The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. ~ Bill Hicks
360:The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we ... kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok ... But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. ~ Bill Hicks,
361:Fundamentalist Christianity: fascinating. These people actually believe that the world is twelve thousand years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages? Twelve thousand years."
"Well, how fucking scientific, OK. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good. You believe the world's twelve thousand years old?"
"That's right."
"OK, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?"
"Uh huh."
"Dinosaurs."

You know, the world's twelve thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and existed in that time, you'd think it would been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point:

And O, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in its paw. And the disciples did run a-screamin'. "What a big fucking lizard, Lord!"
"I'm sure gonna mention this in my book," Luke said.
"Well, I'm sure gonna mention it in my book," Matthew said.
But Jesus was unafraid. And he took the splinter from the brontosaurus paw, and the brontosaurus became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch, O so many years, attracting fat American families with their fat fuckin' dollars to look for the Loch Ness Monster. And O the Scots did praise the Lord: "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Twelve thousand years old. But I actually asked this guy, "OK, dinosaur fossils-- how does that fit into your scheme of life? What's the deal?" He goes:

"God put those here to test our faith."
"I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. I think I've figured this out."

Does that-- That's what this guy said. Does that bother anyone here? The idea that God might be fucking with our heads? Anyone have trouble sleeping restfully with that thought in their head? God's running around burying fossils: "Ho ho! We'll see who believes in me now, ha ha! I'm a prankster God. I am killing me, ho ho ho!" You know? You die, you go to St. Peter:

"Did you believe in dinosaurs?"
"Well, yeah. There were fossils everywhere. (trapdoor opens) Aaaaarhhh!"
"You fuckin' idiot! Flying lizards? You're a moron. God was fuckin' with you!"
"It seemed so plausible, aaaaaahh!"
"Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!"

They believe this. But you ever notice how people who believe in Creationism usually look pretty unevolved. Eyes really close together, big furry hands and feet? "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

Such a weird belief. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross, man? "Ow." Might be why he hasn't shown up yet.

"Man, they're still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I'm not goin' back, Dad. No, they totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes, I might show up again, but... let me bury fossils with you, Dad. Fuck 'em, let's fuck with 'em! Hand me that brontosaurus head, Dad. ~ Bill Hicks

IN CHAPTERS









WORDNET


































IN WEBGEN [10000/57]

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