object:1f.lovecraft - The Battle that Ended the Century
author class:H P Lovecraft
subject class:Fiction
genre class:Horror
class:chapter
(MS. Found in a Time Machine)
By R. H. Barlow
with H. P. Lovecraft
[Note: Barlow’s contributions are in brackets.]
On the eve of the year 2001 a vast crowd of interested spectators were
present amidst the romantic ruins of Cohen’s Garage, on the former site
of New York, to witness a fistic encounter between two renowned
champions of the strange-story firmament—Two-Gun Bob, the Terror of the
Plains, and Knockout Bernie, the Wild Wolf of West Shokan. [The Wolf
was fresh from his correspondence course in physical training, sold to
him by Mr. Arthur Leeds.] Before the battle the auguries were
determined by the venerated Thibetan Lama Bill Lum Li, who evoked the
primal serpent-god of Valusia and found unmistakable signs of victory
for both sides. Cream-puffs were inattentively vended by Wladislaw
Brenryk—the partakers being treated by the official surgeons, Drs. D.
H. Killer and M. Gin Brewery.
The gong was sounded at 39 o’clock, after which the air grew red with
the gore of battle, lavishly flung about by the mighty Texas
slaughterer. Very shortly the first actual damage occurred—the
loosening of several teeth in both participants. One, bouncing out from
the Wolf’s mouth after a casual tap from Two-Gun, described a parabola
toward Yucatan; being retrieved in a hasty expedition by Messrs. A.
Hijacked Barrell and G. A. Scotland. This incident was used by the
eminent sociologist and ex-poet Frank Chimesleep Short, Jr., as the
basis of a ballad of proletarian propaganda with three intentionally
defective lines. Meanwhile a potentate from a neighbouring kingdom, the
Effjay of Akkamin (also known to himself as an amateur critic),
expressed his frenzied disgust at the technique of the combatants, at
the same time peddling photographs of the fighters (with himself in the
foreground) at five cents each.
In round two the Shokan Soaker’s sturdy right crashed through the
Texan’s ribs and became entangled in sundry viscera; thereby enabling
Two-Gun to get in several telling blows on his opponent’s unprotected
chin. Bob was greatly annoyed by the effeminate squeamishness shewn by
several onlookers as muscles, glands, gore, and bits of flesh were
spattered over the ringside. During this round the eminent
magazine-cover anatomist Mrs. M. Blunderage portrayed the battlers as a
pair of spirited nudes behind a thin veil of conveniently curling
tobacco-smoke, while the late Mr. C. Half-Cent provided a sketch of
three Chinamen clad in silk hats and galoshes—this being his own
original conception of the affray. Among the amateur sketches made was
one by Mr. Goofy Hooey, which later gained fame in the annual Cubist
exhibit as “Abstraction of an Eradicated Pudding”.
In the third round the fight grew really rough; several ears and other
appurtenances being wholly or partially detached from the frontier
battler by the Shokan Shocker. Somewhat irritated, Two-Gun countered
with some exceptionally sharp blows; severing many fragments from his
aggressor, who continued to fight with all his remaining members. [At
this stage the audience gave signs of much nervous excitement—instances
of trampling and goring being frequent. The more enthusiastic members
were placed in the custody of Mr. Harry Brobst of the Butler Hospital
for Mental Diseases.]
The entire affair was reported by Mr. W. Lablache Talcum, his copy
being revised by Horse Power Hateart. Throughout the event notes were
taken by M. le Comte d’Erlette for a 200-volume novel-cycle in the
Proustian manner, to be entitled Morning in September, with
illustrations by Mrs. Blunderage. Mr. J. Caesar Warts frequently
interviewed both battlers and all the more important spectators;
obtaining as souvenirs (after a spirited struggle with the Effjay) an
autographed quarter-rib of Two-Gun’s, in an excellent state of
preservation, and three finger-nails from the Wild Wolf. Lighting
effects were supplied by the Electrical Testing Laboratories under the
supervision of H. Kanebrake. The fourth round was prolonged eight hours
at the request of the official artist, Mr. H. Wanderer, who wished to
put certain shadings of fantasy into his representation of the Wolf’s
depleted physiognomy, which included several supernumerary details
supplied by the imagination.
The climax came in round five, when the Texas Tearer’s left passed
entirely through Battling Bernie’s face and brought both sluggers to
the mat. This was adjudged a finish by the referee—Robertieff Essovitch
Karovsky, the Muscovite Ambassador—who, in view of the Shokan Shocker’s
gory state, declared the latter to be essentially liquidated according
to the Marxian ideology. The Wild Wolf entered an official protest,
which was promptly overruled on the ground that all the points
necessary to technical death were theoretically present.
The gonfalons sounded a fanfare of triumph for the victor, while the
technically vanquished was committed to the care of the official
mortician, Mr. Teaberry Quince. During the ceremonies the theoretical
corpse strolled away for a bite of bologna, but a tasteful cenotaph was
supplied to furnish a focus for the rites. The funeral procession was
headed by a gaily bedecked hearse driven by Malik Taus, the Peacock
Sultan, who sat on the box in West Point uniform and turban, and
steered an expert course over several formidable hedges and stone
walls. About half way to the cemetery the cortège was rejoined by the
corpse, who sat beside Sultan Malik on the box and finished his bologna
sandwich—his ample girth having made it impossible to enter the hastily
selected cenotaph. An appropriate dirge was rendered by Maestro Sing
Lee Bawledout on the piccolo; Messrs. De Silva, Brown, and Henderson’s
celebrated aria, “Never Swat a Fly”, from the old cantata Just Imagine,
being chosen for the occasion. The only detail omitted from the funeral
was the interment, which was interrupted by the disconcerting news that
the official gate-taker—the celebrated financier and publisher Ivar K.
Rodent, Esq.—had absconded with the entire proceeds. [This omission was
regretted chiefly by the Rev. D. Vest Wind, who was thereby forced to
leave unspoken a long and moving sermon revised expressly for the
celebration from a former discourse delivered at the burial of a
favourite horse.]
Mr. Talcum’s report of the event, illustrated by the well-known artist
Klarkash-Ton (who esoterically depicted the fighters as boneless
fungi), was printed after repeated rejections by the discriminating
editor of the Windy City Grab-Bag—as a broadside by W. Peter Chef[,
with typographical supervision by Vrest Orton.]. This, through the
efforts of Otis Adelbert Kline, was finally placed on sale in the
bookshop of Smearum & Weep, three and a half copies finally being
disposed of through the alluring catalogue description supplied by
Samuelus Philanthropus, Esq.
In response to this wide demand, the text was finally reprinted by Mr.
De Merit in the polychromatic pages of Wurst’s Weakly Americana under
the title “Has Science Been Outmoded? or, The Millers in the Garage”.
No copies, however, remain in circulation; since all which were not
snapped up by fanatical bibliophiles were seized by the police in
connexion with the libel suit of the Wild Wolf, who was, after several
appeals ending with the World Court, adjudged not only officially alive
but the clear winner of the combat.
[Glossary of Names—Ed.
Two-Gun Bob—Robert E. Howard
Knockout Bernie, the Wild Wolf of West Shokan—Bernard Austin Dwyer, of
West Shokan, N.Y.
Bill Lum Li—William Lumley
Wladislaw Brenryk—H. Warner Munn
D. H. Killer—David H. Keller
M. Gin Brewery—Miles G. Breuer
A. Hijacked Barrell—A. Hyatt Verrill
G. A. Scotland—George Allan England
Frank Chimesleep Short, Jr—Frank Belknap Long, Jr.
The Effjoy of Akkamin—Forrest J. Ackerman
Mrs. M. Blunderage—Margaret Brundage (artist for Weird Tales)
Mr. C. Half-Cent—C. C. Senf (artist for Weird Tales)
Mr. Goofy Hooey—Hugh Rankin (artist for Weird Tales)
W. Lablache Talcum—Wilfred Blanch Talman
Horse Power Hateart—Howard Phillips Lovecraft
M. le Comte d’Erlette—August Derleth (author of Evening in Spring)
J. Caesar Warts—Julius Schwartz
H. Kanebrake—H. C. Koenig (employed by the Electrical Testing
Laboratories)
H. Wanderer—Howard Wandrei
Robertieff Essovitch Karovsky—Robert S. Carr
Teaberry Quince—Seabury Quinn
Malik Taus, the Peacock Sultan—E. Hoffmann Price
Sing Lee Bawledout—F. Lee Baldwin
Ivor K. Rodent—Hugo Gernsback
Rev. D. Vest Wind—Unknown
Klarkash-Ton—Clark Ashton Smith
Windy City Grab-Bag—Weird Tales
W. Peter Chef—W. Paul Cook
Smearum & Weep—Dauber & Pine
Samuelus Philanthropus—Samuel Loveman
Mr. De Merit—A. Merritt (author of The Dwellers in the Mirage)
Wurst’s Weekly Americana—Hearst’s American Weekly]
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