You see, I am witnessing nature’s transformation. When I have nothing to do and I sit very quiet, it’s very clear. I see three things: the nature being transformed, or rather the new nature, what we can call the supramental way of seeing things (it’s getting clearer and clearer; the memory of the old nature remains but is fading more and more, to such a point that sometimes it’s almost incredible, it seems fantastic to have been like that). Then there’s the physical deterioration that comes with age: for example, the physical inability to do what I used to do, the body getting old. But the aging is PURELY physical, I mean, I sit here all day long and have trouble moving about, things like that, but from the standpoint of perception, consciousness, there’s no diminution. On the contrary, it’s getting clearer and clearer and more and more precise. But, for instance, I have trouble speaking (Mother touches her chest, she is out of breath), it’s hard for me to speak; I can’t speak easily, it’s hard. Things like that. That makes three things.
But when I am very quiet (at night, for instance), the new consciousness becomes clearer and clearer, but words cannot easily express it because… it’s a kind of… (how shall I say?) it’s almost as if a new mind were being formed (but not a mental one). And so speech, words… are a poor means, while the direct communication is getting more and more precise and strong. That’s why I can’t speak. It’s purely physical. But the foundation of the physical poise, I mean the physical health, is changing, that is, it’s being shifted: what used to be the condition of good health is practically gone; it is gradually replaced by another condition, but which isn’t there yet; so everything is in… (gesture of instability), everything is no longer this, is not yet that. That’s how it is. It’s inexpressible. That’s why I can’t express myself.
(silence)
Interestingly enough, I notice it in my way of understanding things. For instance, what Sri Aurobindo wrote is VERY different…. It’s a little as if, before, you used to see through a screen and, now, the screen is being lifted—it’s not completely gone yet, but it’s not completely there either.
But, as you see, speaking makes me short of breath—without reason, simply because… because it’s not natural anymore.
(silence)
And then, the way of perceiving time and space is becoming very different. It’s completely changing. The notion of time and space, objectivity and subjectivity—whether things are concrete or not—all that seems to have been… devices for preparing the consciousness for a new way of being.
The functioning of the consciousness is beginning to be different. But I can’t explain it.
(silence)
And then, for sight, for instance, sometimes I see more clearly with my eyes closed than with them open, and the vision is the SAME, physical, purely physical vision; but a physical that seems… more complete, I don’t know what words to use. For instance, when I write; sometimes with my eyes closed I see what I write or see the same thing, but I see it… (what shall I say?… I could be wordy, but I don’t like that). You know, it’s as if what you see were more complete, yet it’s the same thing, but containing more than the purely physical vision.
I write birthday cards, and Sri Aurobindo…. I was about to say I have the feeling that Sri Aurobindo makes me write, but it’s not like that, it’s much better than that!… But when I start to write, for example, I close my eyes, and I see better what I am writing. Champaklal asks me to sign the cards, and he tells me that I sometimes write 3 or 4 cards in a row with my eyes completely closed, then my handwriting is much straighter and much more where the writing should be.
But there’s no personal will involved, no personal effort, it’s… it’s spontaneous. So….
And then, there is a kind of “something” that has been formed in the body to replace the mind, which is gone. This “something” has its mental ways of saying things, but it’s very imperfect. For it, mental perceptions seem so thin, like a husk, the husk of something—so dry, with no real life behind them.
But the main trouble is in speaking (Mother touches her chest). I don’t know, I have the same trouble eating. I don’t think it’s the result of age because I feel strong: I feel strength, it’s not that I am tired, I don’t at all feel tired—it’s… a change. But then my age gives it a semblance of reason. Well (laughing) I don’t know if it was these last few days (yesterday or the day before), all of a sudden I understood, as if Sri Aurobindo made me understand that it has come at this advanced age to give the semblance of reason, in order to… to assure me the utmost peace possible in my relations with people.
I can’t explain it.
Things are essentially what they are supposed to be, but the problem is this human consciousness, which is so… (what’s the word?), so thin: it lacks something, which prevents us from seeing things as they really are, or feeling them as they really are.
As for hearing, I’ve noticed one thing: for instance, someone may tell me something in a very loud voice, making a lot of noise—I understand NOTHING; while other times, a noise that others don’t hear I hear very clearly….1 I need a certain CONSCIOUS atmosphere in order to hear, and that atmosphere is not perceived by most people.
Here the recording tape ran out and Satprem made a movement of anxiety, which Mother immediately perceived (she was speaking with her eyes closed) and she almost instantly interrupted the conversation. In fact, Mother could speak only in a totally transparent atmosphere. ↩
***
November 27, 1971
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