The only somewhat new thing is that the body is beginning to be a bit … restless at its decay. Before, it was completely indifferent, it didn’t give it a thought; it knew it was going on, but… Now, it’s beginning to be troublesome. So perhaps it’s a sign, I don’t know? It’s beginning to be troublesome—not psychologically, but like this: when it receives the Command to do something and there is, not exactly an incapacity, but a limitation to the possibility, that starts it is unhappy. So I wondered …
Then at night it’s the same thing, it says, “Why such a so long period of diminishing consciousness?”
Diminishing?
You understand, it’s only happy in what it regards as its normal state when it’s fully conscious and vibrating with the Presence. But in the night’s activities … (how can I explain?) it’s becomes more … more like something one is used to, you know, like a habit (gesture of a wave flowing); there’s no longer the joy of a vibrating observation, but a normal state of things, and it’s not happy with that: it wants the same intensity (vibrating gesture) to be there at night. For instance, it doesn’t tolerate the idea of fatigue, of the necessity of rest (although that never arises from the inconscient any more), but rest as a sort of turning in on oneself, like that, to repair wear and tear—it doesn’t like that: there must be no wear and tear, there must be a constant adaptation to anything asked of it. Later, it will probably not even accept effort—there isn’t much “effort” left, but instead of effort, there’s a sort of conscious receptivity that enables it to do things; and there are constant examples to show that if this conscious receptivity isn’t there, well, there’s an awkwardness, or an impossibility, things like that, but it … in the past, it used to feel that was unavoidable, but now it no longer wants it. Now it no longer wants it: it must not be like that. For example, to tidy up, or find something or do something, it sometimes feels a sense of difficulty (it’s never quite impossible because nothing is asked of it which is impossible), but at times it’s difficult—it starts being displeased. It feels that as an infirmity, or a lack of receptivity, you understand. Also the fact that it has become stooped: in the past it would say, “It’ll get better”; now it’s beginning to lose patience. That’s quite new. It is since November 24. Because it’s not a selfish turning in on itself, it’s not that, it’s not for itself, it’s … the sense of a lack of receptivity to the Force, of limitation arising from incapacity—it doesn’t like that anymore.
***
December 6, 1967
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