classes ::: Agenda Vol 05, The Mother, Satprem, Integral Yoga, chapter,
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object:1964-04-08
book class:Agenda Vol 05
author class:The Mother
author class:Satprem
subject class:Integral Yoga
class:chapter


1964 Wed 8 April
April 8, 1964

(This was to be the last conversation before Satprem's departure for France, from where he would return in July.)

Mother looks tired, she goes into a long contemplation:

Will you continue [the Tantric discipline] there?

Yes. I must say that in my outer consciousness, I dont know anything at all. I dont understand anything

You dont understand?

I understand nothing whatsoever.

(Mother laughs)

I simply know that there is something else, and then I do what I have to do [japa, meditation], but whats happening, where I am, where Im going, what Im doingl have no idea: I understand nothing at all. I have no perception of where I stand.

If its any consolation to you, its just like that for me!

I mean that the body doesnt even know whether its going to last or to decomposenothing, it doesnt know anything. It doesnt know anything at all. What purpose does it serve? Why is it here? Yes, as you say, we knowwe do know somewhere in the background of the consciousness but the body itself

You see, it finds it rather painful, in the sense that it never has the feeling of a quiet force, of a complete balance. And then all this suffering, all this, why?

Thats just what I was looking at now [during the meditation].

And this poor body says to the Lord, Tell me! Tell me. If I am to last, if I am to live, thats fine, but tell me so I may endure. I dont care about suffering and I am ready to suffer, as long as this suffering isnt a sign given me that I should prepare to go. Thats how it is, thats how the body is. Of course, it could be expressed with other words, but thats it. When you suffer, for instance, when the body suffers, it wonders why, it asks, Is there something I have to endure and overcome in order to be ready to continue my work, or is it a more or less roundabout way to tell me that I am coming undone and I am going to disappear? Because it rightly says, My attitude would be differentif I am to go, well, Ill completely stop bothering about myself, or about whats going on or anything; if I am to stay, I will have courage and endurance, I wont budge.

But it isnt even told that I havent yet been able to obtain a clear answer.

Its not necessary, probably. Only, its

I cannot say that a single day passes entirely without my having to fight against one suffering or another, one difficulty or anotheryou know, the feeling that things are grating.

Of course, the body notices that when its entire consciousness is exclusively centered on the Divine, it no longer feels its suffering: if it has a pain, it no longer feels it. But the minute it is slightly aware of the outer world, it sees that the pain is there all right.

There are momentsmomentsof illumination. Then it has the certitude of the Triumph. But almost immediately, something comes to contradict it violently, like a reminder: Dont get carried away! Youre not yet there, you know. Voil. But then that state How much time must the body last? I dont know.

No, youre not in an inferior position thats not it, it seems to be a necessity for the work.1 But why? I dont understand.

(silence)

Does it lack faith? Possibly. It doesnt lack a trusting loveit has that, it accepts anything and everything, it is always full of its trusting love, that doesnt vary. But what is lacking is a sort of almost an intellectual faith. In other words, it has the feeling it knows nothingit knows nothing, it isnt told anything. It knows nothing. It isnt told what will happen. And as long as it doesnt know what will happen, it feels as if (gesture hanging in midair).

It can switch all at once from a consciousness of eternity to a consciousness of absolute fragility.

On top of this, there are lots of adverse forces, of adverse suggestions (some made of ignorance, others of ill will) that come and harass. I dont believe themit doesnt believe them, but it doesnt have the assurance that would allow it to laugh in their face. It doesnt believe them, but

Theres one thing, you know, which is so difficult (Mother has a spasm in her throat), so difficult, its that Sri Aurobindo left. Thats at the root of everything. Before, my body wasnt like this; before, nothing in me was like this: there was an absolute certitude. That, you know, it was a collapse.

It clearly came to teach something that could never had been learned before. But its always on this that the adverse forces base themselvesalways. All the adverse suggestions, all the adverse forces, all the ill will, all the disbeliefits all based on this: Yes, but HE left.

And I know I know in my deeper consciousness that he left because he WILLED to leave. He left because he decided that it should be so, that it was the thing that had to be done.

But WHY?

Well, then, I cannot give you anything more than this.

Its a very difficult periodvery difficult.

We are still in the middle of a transition.

(silence)

You must, you must hold on tight to the earth. Did you get from Sujata the little packet [of rose petals from Mother]? She very much wanted you to keep it always on youshe is right. She is right. Because I know, I know what the atmosphere is over there. You must wrap yourself in a shell.

Voil, mon petit.

A little earlier, Satprem had complained about some physical disorganization, which Mother had attri buted to the work of transformation.

***


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