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object:1963-12-11
book class:Agenda Vol 04
author class:The Mother
author class:Satprem
subject class:Integral Yoga
class:chapter


1963 Wed 11 December
December 11, 1963

There was in the Subconscient a frightful battle in the night from the 8th to the 9thoh! It was like a return of the attack on me when you went to Rameswaram (long ago1); X said it was a Tantric who had made that formation (it happened on December 9 too and I was very sick, I didnt go out). Well, it was an attack of that kind. I dont know if it comes from the same I cant say person, but from the same origin of forces. And very violent, during the night. It went on during the meditation on the 9th: for the first time during those meditations, there was a tremendous battle, in the Subconscient. And the body was in a state a not too happy state. It stops the heart, you see, so it was unpleasant.

But afterwards, I saw that it did dislodge something, it wasnt useless. It dislodged something. But its forces with a radical ill will: they are not merely ignoranta radical ill will.

But it didnt have a human origin, did it? It wasnt from a human individual?

No, its not an individual: its a universal way of being. Its always that way: things arent positively impersonal, but they do not belong to one person; they are universal ways of being.

I mean, there was no human instrument, was there?

I wasnt conscious of an instrument, but I was conscious of plenty of spots2 to which the thing clings. It clings not even to beings, but to ways of being of beings: to certain tendencies, certain attitudes, certain reactionsit clings to all that. Its not at all one person or one will, thats not it, but its a way of being. Its all universal ways of being that are destined to disappear from the field of activity and are being eliminated.

But the reaction on the body was painful, as it was the first time. The first time (according to X and the Swami), it was supposed to kill meit didnt even make me seriously ill, but it had a very unpleasant effect. I told you at the time that it was a mantra intended to drain you of all your blood; Ive seen several examples of people who died in that way: it was found afterwards to be the result of a mantric formation. In my case, all it succeeded in doing was to make me sick, as if everything came out I vomited terribly. Then there was something pulling me and I absolutely had to go my consciousness told me I had to go and see someone (I was all alone in my bathroom when it happened), a particular person whom I had to go and see; and when I opened the door, Z was there, waiting to prepare my bath, but I didnt see him at all and I absolutely wanted to go somewhere, into the other room, so I pushed against him, thinking, Whats this obstacle in my way? And he thought I was fainting on him! It caused quite a to-do.

I was completely in trance, you see. I was walking, but completely in trance.

Anyway, things went back to normal fairly quickly at the time. But the other day, the 9th, there was a return of that attack, as though that ill will hadnt been completely eliminated, completely defeated there was a return. It didnt have the same effect, but it was painful. A curious feeling, as if (I was sitting at the table, as I always do on mornings when there is meditation), then at the beginning, in some parts of the body, the cells seemed to be grating. I concentrated, I called, and I saw there was a battlea formidable battle being waged down below. It was grating, its curious. A kind of grating of things that arent smooth. And I wondered, When will it be able to relax? Then spasms here, at the solar plexus. And on those days, the doctor and P. always stay here for the meditation; but I was in trance, in my battle, when suddenly I felt a pressure on my pulse (laughing): it was the doctor, who had got up from his meditation (I must have been making some strange noises!) and was feeling my pulseit seems my pulse was fading! But I didnt come out of my trance (I was conscious, but I didnt come out of it), I stayed like that till the end of the meditation, even a little afterwards. Then when the grating diminished, I came out of the trance and saw them both standing in front of me. I gave them a nice smile and told them, Its all right. And I lay down. Then I went into a deep trance, completely out of the body, and everything returned to normal.

Afterwards I took a look. I wasnt too happy: To do that during the meditation! And I was told that it could be done only during the meditation and not at any other time, in activity or even in concentration, because its not the same thing: it could be done only in deep meditation. So I said, Very well. And I was also shown that there was a concrete result, a kind of partial victory over that type of ill willa very, very aggressive ill will, extremely aggressive, which belongs to another age: its something that no longer has the right to exist on the earth. It must go.

Its the same thing, moreover, which brought about Kennedys assassination. And I suppose thats why I had to intervene. Because Kennedys assassination has upset many things from the point of view of the general work. And it was the same thing, because as soon as I had news of the assassination, I saw the same kind of vibration, the same black forcevery, very black and spontaneously, I said (it isnt I who said it), Oh, that may mean war. In other words, a victory of that force over the one that tries to follow more harmonious paths. But I have been protesting and working since then, and what happened on the 9th is the outcome of it.

But when youre right in it it isnt comfortable.
***

(Then Mother reads a handwritten note which is the continuation of the experience she related on December 7, when she spoke of the varying nearness and farness of the Presence.)

I address it to the Lord:

It is as if You flowed with the blood,
You vibrated with the nerves,
You lived with the cells.

It isnt in or by: its with, its identified. As if You flowed with the blood. And the sensation was absolutely concrete: this Presence of the Lord FLOWS with the blood, VIBRATES with the nerves, and LIVES (lives, meaning Life, the essence of Life) with the cells.

Thats the best time! (Mother laughs)

Well, just recently, since that attack of the 9th, the Presence has increased [in the body]. And thats how I know that something has been won. I mean it has increased in duration, in frequency, and in the promptness of its response, of the time needed to get it.

(silence)

The difference between before and after the 9th is that before the 9th there was a constant pressure of adverse suggestions, as Sri Aurobindo said in that letter we translated last time: Its all an illusion, its all imagination. A constant harassment. And sometimes it even takes very precise forms: You think youre integrally conscious of the Lordnot in the least! Its just a little bit in your head, vaguely, and so you imagine its true. When I heard that, it annoyed me very much, and I said, All right, Ill see. And it is after that kind of battle in the Subconscient that the voice stopped and I had this experience: It flows in the blood, it vibrates in the nerves, it lives in the cells.

And everywhere, you see, not just my cells, not just the cells of this body: when the experience comes, it is quite widespread; I have an impression of many bloods, many cells, many nerves. Which means that the CENTRAL consciousness isnt always aware of it, the individual isnt always aware of it (it has an extraordinary feeling, but it doesnt know what it is), while the cells are aware of it, but they cannot express it.

I felt that several times: when the experience comes, it isnt limited to one body. Only, the consciousness the observing consciousness isnt the same everywhere: there are DEGREES of consciousness, and here [in Mothers body] it appears to be a MORE CONSCIOUS center of consciousness, thats all; but otherwise For the consciousness itself its that way too: at times it is very much awake, at other times not so awake. Ultimately, all this is an experience of Oneness, of multiplicity in Oneness, and this experience depends on the degree of nearness and intensity. But it is the all the all which is oneand seen from the standpoint of the Lords consciousness. You know, what we call the Lord is that which is fully conscious of itself; and the more the consciousness diminishes, the more you feel its no longer the Lord but it is the Lord all the same!

Thats how it is.

(silence)

When we speak of perception or knowledge through identity, it is still something that projects itself, identifies itself and OBSERVES itself while doing so; and it is conscious of the result. But my experience now isnt like that; it isnt something projecting itself: its an overall perception. So instead of being able to say, You think this way, THIS ONE thinks that way, THAT ONE feels this way, one thinks it or feels it with more or less clarity in the perception, more or less precision in the perception, but its always oneyou dont feel like saying I; theres no I, its one, its something. Listen, Ill give you an example: this morning I received that Italian, he started speaking, making gestures, telling me thingsNOT ONE sound reached my ears yet I knew perfectly well what he was saying. And I answered him in the same way, without speaking. I didnt feel it was someone else talking to me and that I was answering him: it was a totality of movements more or less conscious of themselves, a totality and an exchange, an interchange of movements more or less conscious of themselves, with some vibrations more conscious, some less conscious, but the whole thing very living, very active. But then, in order to speak, I would have had to put myself in the ordinary consciousness in which the Italian was over there and I was here but it didnt mean anything any more, it wasnt true. So there was something answering within, very actively, very distinctly, and all of it went on together (gesture showing movements of consciousness or waves of vibrations), and at the same time, there was a consciousnessa very, very vast consciousness which was watching it all [those exchanges of vibrations] and exerting a sort of control, a very, very slight but very precise control, so as to put each vibration in its place.

Thats how it is now when I see people. And it seems to be becoming more and more constant.

The other state, the state in which there is me and other people, is becoming unpleasant; it brings things the consciousness disapproves of, reactions the consciousness disapproves of: Still this? Still this smallness, still this limitation, still this incomprehension, still this darkness? All the time like that. So, immediately, something within goes like this (gesture of inner reversal), and it becomes the other way. And the other way is so soft, oh! So soft, so smooth, without clashes, without friction, without unpleasant reactions thats what happened when there was that very painful grating during the meditation on the 9th it was because the individual reactions of the cells were not in accord with the general harmony.

Its becoming a little interesting. Its a little new.

And there is a kind of joy, an unobtrusive joy, always like a kind of smile a smile not ironic, but a little

Putting it into words takes a sort of contraction, which is a pitya pity. I dont know when there will be a means of expressing ourselves without that contraction. I remember, I am seeing again or reliving just now the face of that boy, that Italian (he is a thirty-five or forty-year-old man, but young within, very young psychically), and there was this consciousness kneading something within, putting things back into place but smoothly, without violence or clashes or reactions. And when I told him, Now its time to go, it wasnt at all one person saying to another, Its time to go, its as if I said to myself, Now its time to go. Its very odd. Rather new. Because it has become much more conscious; it had been like that in a sort of natural and spontaneous way of being for a long time, but now its becoming conscious.

And when there is For example, when there is a relaxation in someone, or when there is a tensing up, I feel it: something in me relaxes, or tenses up; but not in me here, like this (Mother in her armchair): in me THERE (Mother in the other person).

And I know the very minute it takes place, you see. But those [tensing up, relaxation] are big movements, so it becomes obvious, but I realize that it goes on all the timeits like that all the time.

To the point that what happens in the body isnt (oh, its been that way for a long time, but its becoming more and more that way), isnt familiar like something that happens in a particular body: its just one way of being among all the others. Its becoming more and more like that. The reaction here [in Mothers body] isnt any more intimate than the reaction in others. And its barely more perceptible: it all depends on the state of attentiveness and concentration of the consciousness (its all movements of consciousness). But the consciousness isntis NO LONGER individual AT ALL. I am positive about that. A consciousness which is becoming more and more total. And now and thennow and thenwhen everything is favorable, it becomes the Lords Consciousness, the Consciousness of everything, and then its a drop of Light. Nothing but Light.

In 1958.

All those to which the force of ill will clings.

***
December 7, 1963


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