I had an interesting experience the day before yesterday.
In a very concrete way, there was the consciousness that everything is the Lord and that everything is His will, His action, His consciousness and so forth; at the same time, the perception of the world as it is (as it is, anyway as we feel it). And as there was no longer any notion of good and evil and all that, there was a sort of almost candid surprise, a very spontaneous surprise, not thought out, at reprobation, anger, disapproval, scorn for all the people who are called bad, who do evil and have bad will. It seemed so strange that one could lose ones temper because of that! Then there arose a profound Pity but a Pity that has nothing of the sense of superiority or inferiority, nothing like thatlike a sort of sorrow that there can be people who are so small and so weak in that Immensity that they are COMPELLED to be nasty and malicious, to hate, to reject, to wish evil.
The words diminish the experience very, very much. It was so a super-compassion, you know, full of a deep Love and Understanding: How can one reproach them for being the way the Lord wants them to be?
Then, when it all settled down, several hours afterwards, I wrote something I wrote it in French (even with the will that it should not be translated into English). And as a matter of fact its untranslatable. Here is what I wrote:
Ce monde est plein de misres pitoyables,
mais les tres que je plains le plus
sont ceux qui ne sont pas assez grands
et assez forts pour tre bons.1
But then the word bon [good] no longer had that sense of opposition to evil: it contained all the divine splendor. It was the radiance of divine Love.
(silence)
Any translation of the word bon [good] into English is very small and all the way down. I didnt want to put it into English. But today, all at once it came to me in English and I wrote it down:
This world is full of pitiable miseries,
but of all beings those I pity most are
those who are so small and so weak that
they are compelled to be nasty.
Its seen from the opposite side, but there is as much in it as in the first.
***
Soon afterwards:
What have you brought me?
Theres some work.
The active work, you know I am not good for much!
When I have an experience, I dont even try to formulate it I never try: I live it as intensely as I can and keep it alive as long as I can. Then suddenly theres a kind of rivulet: a rivulet of words that come, and they come all together, then they arrange themselves I have nothing to do with it all!
I dont know whether its listening or seeing: its something in between. For a very long time, all my contacts with the invisible were visual contacts, but now there is sound too. So this is how it works: I simply have to be attentive, that is to say, not actively busy with something else. If I stay still, it comes: its exactly like a rivulet, a tiny rivulet flowing out of a mountain; its very clear and pure like pure water, very transparent, and very white and luminous at the same time. It comes (gesture as of pearls of water dropping) and it arranges itself here, just above the head, in the form of words. It arranges itself, and someone, I dont know who (probably Sri Aurobindo! because its someone with a poetic power), looks after the sound and the placement of the words, and puts them in the proper order. Finally, after a little while, its complete. And then I write it downits very amusing.
Thats what happened with the English translation: I had said with authority, It will not be translated. Then this morning, when I wasnt thinking of anything at all, it came all on its own. That is to say, to be precise, I was telling the fact to someone who knows English better than French, so I said it in English, and once it was said I noticed, Well, well! Ah, thats it, thats right! It was the experience that had expressed itself in English.
But thank God, all this (gesture to the head) has nothing to do with itquiet oh, so peaceful.
(silence)
There is almost a paroxysm of disorder and confusion in all the affairs of the earth (at the Ashram toomaybe even worse than elsewhere! No, not worse but just as bad!), and it seems to be reaching new heights: almost hour by hour I discover confusion confusion, disorder (before I would have called it mischief, but now). And what confusion! People who are convinced that they know how to deal with things (they know far better than the Lord, far better the Lord is completely ignorant of the things of this world, but THEY know better), and then the blunders they commit! And when theyve committed a blunder, after a while they realize its a blunder, so to make it good they commit another blunder! Everything is like that here, absolutely everything, with all sorts of blunders. And once they have thoroughly bungled, piled up blunder upon blunder and landed themselves in a complete mess, they think of asking me! (laughing) They ask me, What should we do? So I answer, Its about time!
But whats marvelous is that nothing stirs here (gesture to the head), nothing stirs. And the Lord smiles.
***
I had several hours of concentration regarding that decrease of energy in your body; not an illness: a decrease of energy in your body2 (you add mental things to it, but thats your affair, mon petit, you will correct that). I had several hours of concentration, and I even reproached the Lord, telling Him that really if thats the effect I have on people, (laughing) its not worth mentioning, Id better leave! (There was a conjunction of a good number of things.) I dont believe a word of my complaint! But anyway (laughing) I make it just like that.
Immediately, there came a massive descent, and everything was blissful I said to myself, Lord, its up to You. Its up to You to have me here, its up to You to have me act; I dont act, You are the one who acts. The result is up to You, but as far as I can see, if I am allowed to see, I dont find that logical!
Then I was told (but not with words), very clearly and very strongly, that it was a transition necessary for your integral development INTEGRAL. And that I shouldnt worry.
Though I do.
He has absolutely convinced me that you will come out of it grown in stature, enlightened (not in the sense of deranged!), illuminated, and much stronger. Voil.
I even added something which I am not supposed to tell you, but anyway (usually its left unsaid), I added that I needed you. And that consequently nothing should happen to you.
The answer was a smile.
Afterwards it came to me that it was a transition. So I hope it wont last too long.3
A little change in your mental attitude is necessary; what in fact we could call a little cure of a pessimismor a big cure of a little pessimism! Voil somewhere: its for you to know where.
But its a transition, nothing other than a transition.
The body is very ignorant (that we know, it goes without saying!), so the minute something is wrong with it, I cant say it gets afraid, but it feels its VERY serious (laughing)always! (I know this from experience, for myself.) Until you have CAREFULLY explained to it that it should be a good boy, keep very quiet, not be afraid and let itself be carried along.
It always answers, But look at all those people who die, all those who are sick, all those But now, I answer my body, There are enough sick people as it is, no need to imitate them!
(silence)
Above all, there is a kind of coexistence, of juxtaposition of two things that are really opposite states yet always seem to be together: a Peace in which everything is harmonious (I am speaking of the bodys cells), everything is harmonious to the point that no disorder can occur, no illness, no suffering, no disorganization or decomposition can occurimpossible; its a Peace thats eternal, absolutely beyond time (though it is felt in the bodys cells); and at the same time, a tremoran ignorant and bustling and dark tremor, dark in the sense that its unaware of its ignorance, not knowing what to do and doing useless things all the time. And in that state you find disorder, decomposition, disorganization, suffering and at times it becomes acute, acute, all the nerves are tense and it aches all over and both states are together.4
Are together, I mean to the point that you dont even feel you make a movement of reversal, you dont even know how you go from one state to the other, you the reversal is imperceptible.
And they are exactly opposite.
You can, in much less time than a flash, eliminate any pain, any disorder, any illness from your body; and in a flash, it can all come back. And then you can switch from one to the other, from one to the other (back-and-forth gesture).
The point not yet grasped or understood is how to stabilize that Peace.
When Its there, you feel as if nothing can alter It: all the attacks in the world fall away, powerless; nothing can alter It. And It disappears the same way It came, theres no knowing how.
If I observe very carefully, I have the impression that the mind of Matter Sri Aurobindo refers to,5 you know, the thought of Matter, isnt yet pure, its still mixed; so it only takes one wrong movement for everything to come undone. And in people, that material mind lives in its wrong movement constantlyexcept a flash once in a while: a reversal. But here [in Mother], there still remains a habit; a habit (almost like a mere memory) of the wrong movement. And it only has to recur even as tiny as a pinpoint for brrt! everything to fall back into the old rut.
But when I see the care Ive taken for so many years to purify that fellow, I am a little (what should I say?) I cant say frightened or anxious, but (I cant even say pessimistic), but the condition of people who havent done all the yoga Ive done for years, how difficult it must be! Because the bodys cells obey that material mind, which, in its natural state, is a mass of stupid ignorance that thinks its so smart, oh! An almost foul mass of stupidity, and it thinks its so smart! It thinks it knows everything.
(silence)
Because NOTHING in the consciousness budged during those changeovers [back and forth from the true to the false movement]; the consciousness is like that, turned not upward, not inward, turned simply turned to the Lord, living in His Light, which, in the physical world, becomes a golden splendor. The consciousness is turned to That. There is nothing but That, its the sole reality, the sole truth. And It vibrates like this (Mother touches her hands, her arms), It vibrates in all the cells, everywhere. I go like this (Mother makes a gesture of collecting it in the air around), as if I picked it up. It isnt ethereal, its very material; it feels like an air that is thick but vibrant, very vibrant. The consciousness is like that. And all this goes on in the body. But with the presence of that old idiot which is immediately pessimistic, catastrophic, defeatisthow defeatist, oh it sees everything as a calamity. And then that wonderful character, after imagining the worse (in the space of a second, of course), it submits it all to the Lord and tells Him, Here, Lord, here is Your work, its all Yours, do what You will with it! The silly idiot, why did it have to prepare its catastrophes! A catastrophe, invariably a catastrophe, everything is catastrophic but it offers its catastrophe to the Lord!
And the answer is invariably a smile full of such patience, oh! That patience gives me a sense of wonder every second.
Now and then, a great power comes (the body is deliberately given the experience to make it feel and grow aware that that exists), a great power comes, and along with it the impression that you would only have to do this (Mother brings down her two arms in a sovereign gesture) for everything to change. But
Its still much, much too limited and ignorant for that Power to be allowed to act. It [Mothers individuality] sees many sides of the question, but not all. It isnt in spite of everything, it has its own angleas long as there remains an angle, the Power isnt allowed to act.
Though, yes, there was that experience the other day, when all was the Lord, all, with all things as they are, as we see them; when all was That in SUCH a perfect whole, perfect because it was so complete, and so harmonious because it was so conscious, and in a perpetual Movement of progression towards a greater perfection. (Thats something odd, things cant stay still for a quarter of a second: they are constantly, constantly, constantly progressing towards a more perfect Totality.) Then, at that moment, if the Power acts (probably it does act), if the Power acts, it acts as it should. But it isnt always there it isnt always there, there is still a sense of the things that are to fade away and of those that are to comeof the passage; a progression which which isnt all-containing.
But in that state, it seems that what you see MUST beand inevitably (I should say necessarily), it is. And probably instantly so. But you have to see the whole at once for your vision to be all-powerful. If you see only one point (as, for example, when you feel that the action on earth is limited to a certain field that depends on you), as long as you see that way, you cant be all-powerful, its not possiblenot possible. Its inevitably conditioned.
(long silence)
There is a growing feeling that all that is, all that happens, outwardly and inwardly (inwardly too) is absolutely necessary for the totality of the whole.
I am thinking, for instance, of that sort of reaction I had the other day. Naturally there is a part of the being that looks on, that smiles and says, Oh, arent you beyond that yet! And at the same time, I saw, No, its necessaryeverything is necessary. A special vibration was necessary necessary to trigger something else. And everything works like that.
Everything works like that.
(silence)
Its a transitional period but isnt the transitional period constant?! It must be constant. Only, a point comes nevertheless when it becomes absolutely conscious and willed, and then it no longer has the same character.
Basically, once we have emerged from Stupidity, there is there should be a rather considerable change.
Oh, there would be a world of things to say!
(silence)
It is impossible for any change, any change towards perfection (I dont mean a regression, because thats another phenomenon), its impossible for any change, even in one element or one point of the earth consciousness, not to make the whole earth participate in that change. Necessarily.
Everything is closely knit together. And a vibration somewhere has TERRESTRIAL consequences I dont say universal, I say terrestrialnecessarily.
Which means there isnt one aspiration, not one effort that isnt useful seen from the terrestrial standpoint (from the individual standpoint, this has been obvious for a very long time), but seen from the terrestrial standpoint, there isnt one effortnot one effort towards the Better, not one aspiration to the True that does not have terrestrial repercussions, terrestrial consequences.
A literal translation, using the words of Mother's own English translation which follows, would give:
This world is full of pitiable miseries, but the beings I pity most are those who are not vast and strong enough to be good.
A state of continuous exhaustion (which has lasted for three years now). In fact, medicine would have called it "tuberculosis," but Satprem did not believe in medicine.
It will break and dissolve a year later. As Mother will explain to Satprem later, the "transition" consisted in removing Satprem's entire vital being (which normally causes one to die) in small doses.
It is the same experience as that of the two "rooms," one within the other, or the two "rivers," now muddy and now crystal clear.
The "body-mind."
***
September 7, 1963
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