classes ::: Agenda Vol 03, The Mother, Satprem, Integral Yoga, chapter,
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object:1962-12-12
book class:Agenda Vol 03
author class:The Mother
author class:Satprem
subject class:Integral Yoga
class:chapter


1962 Wed 12 December
December 12, 1962

(Satprem tries to question Mother on the reasons for Sri Aurobindo's departure.)

Oh, no! No, I dont want to talk about it.

I would rather not listen to it, I dont want it kept.1

Those were terrible days I lived through then.

(silence)

I am only beginning to come out of it.

In any case, not today.

I dont know if it has to do with something general, but on December 9 an avalanche of very unpleasant things came down on me.

What things?

I dont know. There was suddenly an atmosphere (actually, Im still in it) a nasty atmosphere.

Oh, it was appalling, mon petit! Appalling. One thing after another. A veritable avalanche, as if everything were decomposing.

In all the Ashram services, everywhere, there was an onslaught of falsehood, deceitfulness, stupidity, confusion APPALLING! Were not yet out of it, the consequences are lingering on. So.

And the body had a lot of difficulty putting up with all thata lot of difficulty.

How about youdid it take a psychological or a physical form?

Psychological. It fell on me all at once, and nothing seemed to make sense any more; a sort of disgust, of decomposition as you say.

Yes; decomposition, disintegration.

And simultaneously, an old formation I hadnt seen for a long time fell on me again: distaste for writing, desire to leave, things like that.

Yes, there was a hostile onslaught.

And in fact, it began with the usual suggestion: Sri Aurobindo has gone, so theres no reason for you to stay herewhy dont you just leave as soon as you can? In other words, everythings going to pieces.

Well, my usual answer, the only answer that has some weight with those beings, is Its not up to me. Its up to the Lord, address yourselves to Him. Then they keep quiet. They come back another time, hoping to succeed, and the response is always the same, which they find somewhat discouraging. After a while its over. But really, everything imaginable; and precisely for those who were progressing steadily: a collapse into all the old errors and stupidities. And then a sort of hate coming out of everything and everybody and hurled at me, with this inevitable conclusion: What are you doing here! Go away, youre not wanted. Nobody wants you, cant you see that! Its not up to me, its none of my business. Wanted or not, I am here for as long as the Lord keeps me here; when He no longer wants to keep me here, Hell make me go, thats allits none of my business. That calms them down, its the only thing that calms them down. But it doesnt discourage them!

Now I am just waiting for the hurricane to pass.

Since 1950, I must say, it has been the same thing EVERY year at this time. And with the same suggestion (which they make not only to me but to everybody, to all those who listen): Sri Aurobindo has gone, whats she doing here? She should just leave! And some of them are relentless: She WANTS to leave, they say. Not She must leave, but Shes GOING to leave; take it from me, shes leaving, nows the time, shes going to leave. And surely you can see that none of this is real, it just doesnt make sense. Sri Aurobindo left because he was disgusted. He has gone, so logically she must go too. Thats the picture.

Actively, theres only one thing to do: Its not up to me, its the Lord who decides. Its the Lord who acts, its the Lord who organizes everything and to top it off, its even the Lord who sends you away! That irks them more than anything! (Mother laughs.)

Rightly or wrongly, Satprem did not keep the recording of this conversation, not to obey Mother, for he was never very obedient, but because the words that follow rent his heart. He didn't know at the time how very true they all were.

***
December 8, 1962


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