(Satprem did not keep any record of his questions at the beginning of the following conversation, nor does he exactly remember the circumstances that led to it. It seems that he wanted to write a letter to X, his former Tantric guru, or meet him, to explain what had happened and, in fact, to tell X that he still held him in deepest affection, despite external circumstances and Satprem's outward break with him.)
One must never go back; one must always go forward.
The curves of life go this way and that (meandering gesture), and only by being the supramental arrow can you go beyond. What happened [with X] was necessary. But theres a step that goes beyond holding a grudge against someone because you were mistaken about him. Thats such an ordinary human thingits nonsense. Thats how it is, though. He is what he is and has been all alonghe has never pretended to be anything else. But (with an ironic smile for Satprem) the imagination has done a lot of gilding where there was nothing to begin with, and then through circumstances (which always result from the influence of consciousness), the gilding disappeared! But whatever you sincerely felt for him that wasnt the product of an effervescent imaginationall sincere feelingsshould remain.1
But they do!
Well, thats all there is to say: My feelings remain the same. You neednt put yourself back under his influence, for it was an influence of your own imagining!
I dont really know how to tell him.
Why do you want to formulate what youre going to tell him in advance? Rather than some superficial convention or an illusion you used to live with, keep reality in your consciousness.
Dont decide anything mentally.
You must learn to be immobile, silent, and let the Lord speak through you; its much better than deciding in advance, much better. Personally, the Lord has never failed me. I have found myself hundreds of times in very difficult situations; I wouldnt do anything, I would say, All right, lets see what happens! And of course, what happened was always for the best. And I had nothing to do with itit wasnt me, it was the Lord.
The less one explains, the less one plans, the betteralways, always.
***
Later:
Just after speaking with you the other day, I looked closely to make absolutely sure, and I saw that even for the body even for the body it takes a little effort, its an effort to feel like something separate, an individuality. It finds it constricting, as if it were shut up in a box!
The feeling is rather one of vibrations gathered together and coagulated somewhere and even at that, theres a very supple inner play, for it spreads out like this (Mother makes a gesture of diffusion or expansion all around her) through a sort of subtilization or etherization. And its limitlesshow could it have any limits! It goes like this (same radiating gesture)these same vibrations are everywhere, in all bodies and all things. What people call this body is merely the result of a willed concentration organized in a specific way; thats how it spontaneously feels, all the time (not that its observing itself, but if something forces it to observe itself, thats what it spontaneously feels). And the delimitation that exists in all beings, and which WAS in this body (was it this body? Havent the cells changed? I dont know), which once existed in what people call this body, has completely disappeared. Before (thirty years or so ago), it used to feel like something separate moving among other separate things thats all gone.
I have tried several times, telling myself, Ah, lets have a good lookis there anything, anywhere, that feels that separation? (I am looking at the body from above.) Theres nothingtruly? Are you one hundred percent spontaneously sincere? Nothing at all? Its impossible to find a thing. Impossible.
For all the states of being, the mental, the vital, and even the subtle physical, that sense of separation has long been gone. But now I am speaking of the body. I say I, of course but what says I is its something as vast as the universe. And it CANNOT be otherwise. Its not that I want it this way, or because I insist on it, its not the result of a tapasya or not at all: it CANNOT BE OTHERWISE, thats how it is. Its my spontaneous way of being. The experience has become completely (how to put it?) externalized.
And thats what makes the ESSENTIAL difference for this body. Thats why it feels different from other bodies. Its (Mother shakes her head) no, its not the same thing, it distinctly feels its not the samebecause its reactions are different!
Perhaps there once was a jiva. I dont know, I dont remember; all I remember now is ultimately, an evolving universe, with a special concentration on the affairs of the earth, because the Lord has decided that the time has come to to change something. Thats all. To change something.
(silence)
Theres a fellow (hes neither young nor old) who has been living for twenty-five straight years at one of the sources of the Ganges, in a small cave carved into the mountainsidea tiny, bare space, an earth floor and a tiger skin. He sits on the tiger skin stark naked, without a stitch, naked as a newborn babe, in the dead of winter as well as in summeroutside everything is covered with snow. He eats sometimes passers-by bring him fruit, which he dries in the sun, then puts into water and drinks. Thats all. He hasnt once left there in twenty-five years.
One of our children, V., a courageous boy, went up there all by himself. In winter its completely isolated, theres nothing nearby. It was May and still frightfully cold, it seems, snow still covered the ground. And the man was sitting there stark naked as though it were perfectly natural! He even asked the boy, Do you want to spend the night here? That was a bit too much!
Anyway, V. went there, sat down next to him, and after a while the man went into a sort of trance and began to tell V. about his life (the boys life, not his own!). So V. was interested and wanted to know more. Where do I come from? he asked. The man answered, Oh, from an ashram by the sea the sea is there. Then he began to speak (I must mention that outwardly he knew nothing about Sri Aurobindo or me or the Ashram, absolutely nothing at all), and he told V. that a great sage and the Mother were there, and that they wanted to do something on earth that had never been done before something very difficult. Then, I dont know whether he mentioned I was alone now (I have no idea), but he said, Oh, she has had to withdraw2 because the people around her dont understand and life there has become very difficult. It will be very difficult until 1964.
Perhaps he was reading the boys mind (I dont know), but not his conscious mind. And he said several times, They want to do something that has never been done before, its very difficultvery difficultand thats why they came, to do that.
I learned about this two days ago. It interested me: Something never done before, something entirely new.3
There were many other things, but it seems he speaks a particular Hindi which is very hard to understand. But this was quite clear, and he said it several times.
It interested me.
And thats really it, thats what Sri Aurobindo came for, and what I came for. And thats what was present above my head when I was quite young: something new and very difficult (Mother smiles). Very difficult.
It seems he said that if we could make it to 1964, afterwards the difficulties would disappear. (But this is a very strong formationwhat did he pick up? Is it Sri Aurobindos formation? Is it the boys thought, or what?) But hes a wonderful mind-reader; he must have a marvelous power of vision in the mental world.
It really amused me. If you asked if you asked people here, not too many would have such a clear idea: They have come to do something entirely new and very difficult.
Its lovely.
Voil, petit.
In fact, Satprem's final break with X will come only two years later, in 1964.
Mother's "withdrawal" did not last long. 1962 is perhaps Mother's one quiet year. In 1963, the pitiless crowd will start up again.
A few days later, Mother remarked with a kind of admiration: "It's almost a miracle for such people to admit that someone is doing something entirely new! That's the great problem with those who have attained some realization, they shut the door: 'Now we have realized what the Forefa thers said, and that's enough.' So to find a man who knows nothing outwardly and who FELT that we wanted to do something never done before ... I found that extremely interesting. It means he has an opening, an opening above, higher than the ordinary spiritual atmosphere."
***
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