(Concerning the "wave movement" in the experience of April 13.)
What I say there is quite true. When I dont observe, formulate or explain, the state is absolutely tranquil, peaceful, contented, sufficient unto itself. And out of it, I can see that something will definitely emerge.
But as soon as I try to make it emerge, it all fades awaymeaning it isnt ripe yet.
Its a very impersonal sort of state in which that whole habit of reacting to outside things, the things around me, has completely vanished. But nothing has come to replace it. It is an undulation.
Thats all.
When will it change into something else? I dont know.
You cant, you just cant try! You cant make an effort, you cant try to find out, because intellectual activity immediately comes in, and that has nothing to do with it.
So I have concluded that its something one must become, something one must be and live. But how? In what way? I dont know.
Well.
Sowhat about your book?
(The subject here is a letter, no longer extant, in which Satprem expresses his desire to go write his new book1 in the Himalayas, far from present circumstances. These circumstances included poor health, but mainly, lurking behind, was the violent and almost physical inner wound caused by his break with X. The idea was to go away for a change of air.)
(With an ironic smile) On the meandering path of the world, this trip doesnt look too bad! For you personally, its an experience that yes, that would give you a concrete sense of the vanity of a number of things that still. You see, throughout all ones lives and all of lifes circumstances, theres one thing after another, one thing after another, one thing after another (zigzag gesture) to remove the scales from your eyes.
(silence)
For Sujata its not quite so simple. From a strictly external standpoint, I have no doubt that it would be both pleasant and instructive. But Sujata is in a rather special relationship [with me]in fact, she does the yoga without doing it; I mean she benefits automatically from the yoga that Sri Aurobindo and I do. And this would risk being damaged.
I dont say for certain; I dont know. But there is a risk. Anyway as I said, from the external angle, the being would certainly be enriched.
From the collective viewpoint, of course, the work would be greatly inconvenienced: even if we could just manage to finish the Bulletin for August, the November Bulletin would be in real jeopardy.
And as for the Agenda, well it would simply stop, thats all, for the whole time youre away. I might also have nothing to say, I dont know. It could be that I wont have anything to say for two or three months, or even longer. I cant say. I dont know whats going to happen to me I mean happen to this whole collection (Mother indicates her body), this collection of bodily experiences and research. I havent been told anything I dont try to know and I dont know. So I will probably have nothing to say. On the whole, thats how it looks to me.
There is no definite answer in the consciousness.
Recently these last few days in particular, because of this business with XIve been seeing the two persons that are in you. One of them is far more real to you than the other, because it has been given more expression; it is more realized, more conscious of itself, and its something you know well. The other being doesnt yet have the power to direct (how shall I put it?) to openly and consciously direct your destiny. Thats why you might still find yourself wandering in labyrinths.
For the moment I am in a seemingly neutral stateall I can say is, Well see. There is no definite no and no definite yesthere has been no definite approval, but there hasnt been the no that says, Its impossible. So it looks like that eternal Well see. How long will it be till we see? I dont know. It may be a few hours, a few days, a few minutes I dont know.
This trip would not be an opening upwards, a flight towards a higher realization that, no. Categorically no.
But thats not what I was after!
It is the labyrinthine path through the circumstances of physical life.
Thats just as clear as can be.
But the reason behind the idea was my physical condition. I hadnt thought of Sujata at first; I simply saw I dont know. Im tired all the time, its true. My reserves are all used up. Anything extra exhausts me. And on top of it, theres also a discouraging psychological state. For one thing, my nights are totally unconscious the mind turns round and round and I cant sleep. My meditations are always the same. You know, the feeling of nothing, nothing, nothing. So I think the cause of all this lies in the kind of physical life I lead.2
A lack of vitality.
A lack of vitality, too much tension; I dont knowmaybe the climate saps me. A certain number of physical things making it. Anyway, thats whats behind the idea.
What youre asking of Sujata is nothing short of sacrifice. Not outwardly, perhaps, but it would be a sacrifice for her. She would be sacrificing something to you, something very precious. To help you she would have to sacrifice her own realization. Well, that in itself has a place in the spectrum of realizations.
I understand.
She would inevitably come into contact with other people.
If I do go somewhere, I am determined to have absolutely no contact with anyone. I dont want to be social.
(Mother keeps silent)
I cant say.
But whats behind my totally unconscious nights? Behind the total absence of anything at all in my meditations?
(After a silence) Thats something you have to sense for yourself, isnt it?
I know the reason, but.
But really, unless you experience it yourself, it will strike you as a kind of fairy tale. And not a very pleasant fairy tale!
If you could just give me a hint.
(After a silence) Among those who have gone beyond the stage of needing successive reincarnations to develop their psychic beings, among those whose souls are conscious, fully developed, there are some who (what shall I say?) who are chosen or destined to participate in a certain terrestrial action. And in the process of reincarnation, there is always always some degree of confusion and disarray, you see. I can speak of my own case, if you like; despite every precaution, certain kinds of confusion couldnt be avoided and of course this complicated the work. It was the same for Sri Aurobindo. And all this confusion sometimes greatly disrupts the work.
But there are a certain number of beingsnot manywho have come back on earth ONLY to take part in a particular work, in a particular way. And outer things, personal and individual things, are virtually sacrificed to that. Certain faculties, for instance, whose source is the higher entity, faculties that in an ordinary life would result in a measure of power or fame or success or realization, are placed under conditions where their outer effect is subordinated to the needs of a particular work.
Let me put it to you more clearly: your physical body, for example, should have been either stronger or more supple or endowed with certain very strong vital compensations, so that you wouldnt suffer from your working conditions. Of course, for someone following a yogic ascent, whose soul is in the process of formation, the external conditions of life are normally what is best for inner development, whatever that may beeven if, on the surface, those conditions arent good. So the only advice you can give such a person is, Well, either renounce the spiritual life or else putup with it. But thats not your case. There is a Mission, a work, and a kind of gap between a certain physical formation and that Mission. So if you ask me plainly what I see, I can tell you plainly, instead of saying as I would to certain sadhaks or anyone sincerely wanting to do yoga, Take it or leave it; you must learn to transform yourself inwardly to the point where you can master the body and its needs. I cant tell you that, because thats not how it is for you.
I mean it may beit may be that even an inner transformation (a complete conversion of the vital being, for instance) wouldnt necessarily bring an improvement in your health. It is here where. Its not something I see imperatively. And to go back to ordinary life would be the end of everythingof your physical life and your inner life too.
I have absolutely no desire to do that!
Thats quite obviousyouve had the experience.
But it may not be unimportant to take a few precautions and make use of certain external aids. Thats why I cant say, Dont mind your bodyjust keep going and everything will be all right. No. Spending two or three months in the mountains, for example, might help you. It might. But I dont see anything, mind you; I dont know.
And this blockage in my meditationsis it also due to this special work? I have a sort of feeling that Ive already had those yogic realizations, you see
Yes, of course!
and that its all closed to me now. I feel theres a knowledge Ive already had, a vision Ive already had
Certainly.
and that its all. Well, I feel Im in exileyou see what I mean?
There is a LINK missing.
So when I wake up every morning with a black hole where my night was, I wake up discouraged. Whats the matter with me! I wonder.
Yes.
Thats where the physical side.
It is in the vital, mon petit. Something happened while you were being formedyour vital isnt strong enough.
You know, I am absolutely convinced that when I have found what I seek [the third position] everything will change for you instantly, like this (gesture of turning upside-down): snap! You wont have to make the slightest effortit will be done just like that, in a flash. But meanwhile. Meanwhile I want you to be healthy. If going to the mountains for a few months does you a lot of good. Notice I say if I am not sure of it.
I am sure that the only thing that would really do you good is precisely what you call the unblockingyour problems would be over.
Oh, yes! Im convinced of it too.
You would be perfectly happy, and healthy besides.
But its because of this blockage that the body wonders, Whats the matter with me?
Maybe not. Maybe its something in the body itself. That maybe is what makes me hesitate.
About the book, for instance I dont know if its tamas [inertia], but I constantly feel like sitting and doing nothing! Or doing a minimum of work just to keep me in toucha bit of work for you, thats all, and then the rest of the time.
Yes, that wouldnt be so bad! Thats something I understand quite well!
Externally, with this book Im supposed to write, I would say I have no desire to do so. Nonetheless, Ive come to the point where I no longer pay attention to my desires or non-desires; but anyway, I cant say Im enthusiastic about it.
No, its not interesting for you. And that I can understand!
All the same all the same, a kind of constant communication has been established [between you and me], and because of that, without even knowing it, you are in rapport with the experiences. And well my experiences clearly dont impel one to actionnot for the moment.
No, its not that. No, the one thing I dont like is your physical exhaustion.
I tire quickly, I have no reserves, when theres just a little thing I am immediately. And then other peoplecontact with other people exhausts me. Going to Xs place was torture for me.
All right.
I will look, if you like.
I have told you what I saw right away.
I am going to look, and meanwhile we should finish as much of the August Bulletin as we can.
What I actually wanted to put before you is this lack of desire to write the book.
It doesnt matter, mon petit!
The one thing I really dont want.
Anyway, give me a few days and lets see if I get an indication.
Im taking up a lot of your time.
No, nothings binding on me I have no more duties!
But its true what you said Im quite aware of it. There wont be any more problems once that thing is unblocked.
Thats right!
I feel sort of impatient because there is no bridge between something that I feel I KNOW and the physical life. So Im going round in circles. Its always the same.
A link is missing. There (gesture above) one knows, here (gesture into Matter) one doesnt know, and theres always the feeling that a change of place or a change of physical conditions is going to establish the contact. It happenstrue, it does happen: suddenly, flash! But it happens under ANY circumstances. It doesnt depend on outer changes. I know very well that nothing in either the climate or the living conditions here is absolutely intolerableits only our ideas about it, our mental reactions (mental and vital). But if there were just that joy, the joy of total opening, all the rest would be all right.
Yet it may also be that up there in the mountains, all alone with the mountains, it would suddenly come. It is possibleeverything is possible. There is nothing that doesnt hold a possibility of truth.
Anyway, give me at least until Tuesday to look I will tell you what I see.
Au revoir, mon petit.
The book that became Sri Aurobindo or the Adventure of Consciousness.
With the work on the Bulletin and other Ashram publications, translating Sri Aurobindo, working on this Agenda, writing his own books and doing many hours of japa, plus other tasks besides, Satprem had been working something like fifteen hours a day (except when he ran off somewhere and even then ...) for eight years nonstop.
***
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