(During the two preceding meetings, Satprem read to Mother several fragments of his manuscript on Sri Aurobindo.)
You have brought me a very strange experience.
The first time you read your manuscript, I called Sri Aurobindo to hear it. He was in the subtle physical and he listened. Yesterday when I sat down to listen, I thought, It would be much better if he entered my brain because that way. In fact, I called him; he entered my brain. It took some time; all through the beginning of the reading we were still two; then he came in more and more, more and more, more and more. My headmy physical headseemed to be swelling up! There was no longer space for anyone but him. It was the light that dark blue light of mental power (but true mental power) in the physical the tantrics use it, you always see it with Xs action, but Ive never seen it this way before! My head was full, you knowfull, full, not an atom of space to spare I could feel it swelling up!
And this light was absolutely immobilevibrationless, totally compact and coherent. When I see Xs light, for example, there are always vibrations in it; it vibrates, vibrates, things are shifting about; out with this, not a single vibration, not one movement: a MASS that seemed eternally immobile but which was (how to put it?) attentive, listening. It was a volume with the form of the head, as if that had wholly taken over the head. It was full, so full, yet with no feeling of tension or of anything resisting, none at all; there was only a kind of immobile eternity and COMPACT, compact, absolutely coherent, no vibrations. And it increased, increased more and more, it became heavy, but with a very particular heavinessnot a weight, the feeling of a mass.
And within all this, I no longer existed. I seemed to vanish into a kind of trance, yet I was consciousnot I: the consciousness was conscious of what Sri Aurobindo was conscious of. And he was following the reading. But I couldnt remember anything; at the time, it was impossible to observe. I can only describe it all to you now because the experience remained for at least an hour and a half afterwards; when I left here, I began to objectify it, to see what it wasaside from that, it was merely a STATE I found myself in. But in this state there was an awareness of what he was hearing, and at two or three places in your reading he seemed to be saying (I cant be exact, I can only give the impression), Not necessary. In fact, thats what made me call this passage too philosophical (although when you first asked my opinion I was in a peculiar condition, nothing was active in me). With him, it was very clear, it was almost as if there were a certain number of words about which he said, That, not necessary. That, not necessary. Not many, not often, but once in a while. Especially at the end (he was still there inside my head while you were talking), when you were saying that its necessary to explain to people; there he very clearly said, No, not necessary.
But I was incapable of remembering or of registering anything the only head present there was his.
Its the first time this has happened to me.
Receiving his thought (thinking his thought, for instance) happens all the time, all the time, but this was different; it was a PRESENCEA presence in the skull. And my skull seemed to gradually grow bigger and heavier, heavy with an unaccustomed power. And this stayed with me; oh, it stayed for a long, long time! Never before have I had this physically, never this kind of power, a material power of thought-forcematerial thought-force in the brain.
One sees glimpses of it. I told you Ive often seen it with X. I also saw it with another tantric who came here (someone said to be greatly renowned in the North)this sort of very well organized mental power, a mental-physical power. But it was always vibrating or intermittent or partial, passing flashes or fluctuating formations. Here it wasnt that; it was a feeling of eternity.
Normally one would have said that my body was in trance; yet it could move, it could speaksince I did speak to you; but nevertheless, it was a peculiar feeling (which I still have somewhat), like having a head too large for my body. Its not painful or disagreeable, but Im not used to it.
After our meeting yesterday, as soon as I saw clearly and could objectify it, I immediately sent all this to you (I didnt write because I had no time, but I told it all to you), for I felt that, not knowing what had happened, you might have thought I wasnt listening, or I dont know what!
No, no! I felt that what I had written wasnt it.
But it was a formidable experience! Formidable. And really proof that this book interests him.
But I have to do all last weeks work over.
Why? Dont you like it?
The thread is missing. Its not it.
You know, he was so pleased the first day you read to me! I was seeing his force, his power inside it, and it was golden; a kind of power of propulsion was there. But of course, I know nothing at all about what you read to me yesterday; I was a bit overwhelmed by this experience! Its the first time Ive had it.
For a long, long time I have been asking for. When I would say, Lord, take possession of this brain, I expected something of the sort, but I was expecting it with the supramental light (which, partially and momentarily, I have had). But this! It was really. I dont know what he did with my brainnot brain, my mental power. Probably during that period he absorbed it (I suppose thats what happened because there was no sense of difference). My impression was that as a result of this the physical cells were going to develop materially and be transformed (I think it will happen I had a sort of assurance that it will). Because now, as Im talking to you, Im looking at it and I see the effect is still there: no longer with the same overwhelming power, but the effect is there and it gives a sort of (it cant be compared to anything physical) a sort of warmth; its not heat, but warmth. Everything is seized by it, both ears (Mother touches her head), everythinghere, there, all around! Tremendous. And this immobility! As soon as one stops, it is immor (Mother cuts off her word), it is eternity.
It is truly bringing THAT down here [into Matter].
Well then, are you going to read the rest to me or not?
No, Mother, I feel I have to do it all over. I dont have the thread. I just have scraps here and there, bits and pieces I dont have the thread.
But is this thread so very necessary? Because the last time you read (I cant pinpoint exactly where), Sri Aurobindo seemed to intervene each time any of those habitual coherences of reason intruded, things you probably inserted precisely in order to join passages together and make them comprehensible. It was at these junctures (I cant remember them exactly) where he would occasionally say, Not necessary, not necessary. That can go, that can go.
Afterwards, I tried to understand (I tried to identify enough to be able to understand) and I got the feeling that he finds it will be much more powerful if you dont follow normal logical lines (Im elaborating a bitit wasnt quite like this); rather, if you like, it is better to be prophetic than didacticfling abroad the ideas, ploff! Then let people do what they can with them. I felt he was viewing this not only from the essential standpoint, but from the standpoint of the public, and he wanted to ensure that it doesnt become tiresomeat all costs, dont let it be tiresome. It can be bewildering, but not tiresome. Let them be hurled right into things strange and unknown things, perhaps, but. For instance (this is my own style, you can take it for what its worth), it would be better for people to say, Hes a madman, than to say, Hes a boring sermonizer. And all this was coming with his sense of humor, the way he has of saying, for example, that folly is closer to the Divine than reason!
I dont know, I didnt hear the beginning, but certainly everything dealing with physical events [of Sri Aurobindos life] will be expressed in a very reasonable and normal style so that there will be no danger of people saying, Hes a half-cracked visionary! I dont know, the first part of what you read to me was so good! Gusts of golden light kept coming. Perhaps you wanted to explain too much. You dont know what happened?
Yes, its precisely this need to explain.
He seems to find it unnecessary!
Above all, he would like the end to be brief. Thats something I felt from the very first daylet the end surge up and leave you in suspense; above all, dont try to be reasonable. An upsurge of light like a door bursting open onto a very luminous and unknown future, but with no attempt to make it tangible and approachable. I am sure of thisthis impression of a closed door (people live behind doors, you know), and then abruptly the door is flung wide-open on an explosion of light and you are left there: sit down, look, contemplate and wait for the moment to be ripe for venturing forth.
Above all, have no ambition to make anyone understand anything whatsoever.
But you have to make people understand the work of Sri Aurobindowhat he came to do, what his work is!
But this really is what he came to doits like an upside-down volcano.
An eruption, an explosion.
He casts forth the seeds; and then, for those who can gather them up, comes the slow and lengthy labor.
(silence)
When one follows the curve of his last writings, one sees very clearly that after having sown the seeds (yes, its like a great seeding of light) and even after having said, This is to be realized now, well, the further he went on in his work, the more he continued to work towards this realization, the more he saw all the stages that had to be crossed, the more he saw all that, well, the more he used to say, Dont imagine this will happen to you all at once. Dont think this path is an instant miracle.
After speaking of the descent of the Supermind, he said that an INTERMEDIARY must be prepared between our present mental state (even the most elevated higher mind) and the supramental region, because if one entered directly into Gnosis, well, it would produce such an abrupt change that our physical constitutions would be unable to support itan intermediary is needed. The experiences Ive had make me absolutely convinced of it; twice the supramental world took veritable possession of me and both times it was as if the bodytruly the physical bodywas going to completely disintegrate, due to what you could almost call the opposition of the two conditions.
And yesterday again I clearly saw (Mother touches this mass in her head). My eyes are full of it my eyes are full, you know, and I see that as it works to settle itself in here, it produces this little vibrationa twinkling of vibrationswhich seems to be indispensable for it to enter into this Matter.
But whats interesting is that it produced neither headache, nor malaise, nor anything of the kind; yet neither was there any great joy or satisfaction. It is the words we use always take on a pejorative tone and spoil it, but the difference between our habitual way of functioning and this new way is something so tremendous and overwhelming that an adaptation is evidently required. And he always said that the adaptation would at first be a diminution, and that only gradually could one regain the original purity. Thats just how it is.
But its not the time to say all this, mon petit!
For example, I have nothing for the next Bulletin; I could have given something from those things youve transcribed [for the Agenda], but its not possible, it CANNOT be done! This cant be made public, its impossible; its not the moment, not the moment. People dont understand even the simplest things I say! Ive seen that even Nolini sometimes hesitates; he doesnt get it. So you can imagine, the public!
(silence)
What he has actually done is this: he seems to have poured over the worldwith the power of the Origin the new Possibility; The time has come for THIS, ploff! Now let us be quiet and see how things evolve.
(silence)
Indeed, he is so very much HERE.
Two or three days ago, in one of those moments when you feel a little stupid (little is an understatement!), I said to myself, Yes, how good it was when I used to feel him with me all the time. In this period now, I no longer feel him. Then he told me so clearly, so positively, You dont feel me because I am you.
And I saw that it was true, that the identification was established in such a detailed way, one could say, that there is no longer the joya joy of feeling like this (gesture of being embraced).
(silence)
Now I understand! He used to tell me, You alone have the endurance, and oh, mon petit, what endurance it takes!
But how to speak of all this to people! How to speak of it? They are a million miles away.
Simply awaken hope in them the Hope. A hope based on the certainty of an experience. You know, if they could imagine the Supreme Himself coming and saying, Listen now, Im here to tell you that this is the way it is, get ready.
Always, always, the first reaction of people on earth has been to say, Hes mad.
But what of it!
And precisely because a large part of the book is reasonable enough, artistic, well-expressed and well-presented, it can afford a few pages (there need not be many), a few pages that are like a leap into sheer madness!
I SEE, I am looking at all that, sparkling.
So if you want to read something to me, Im listening I have come to hear.
No, Mother, I have to catch hold of the thread.
You have to catch hold yes.
Well then, concentrate, call it! Make an invocation, call it init is THERE, contact it. That is the thread to catchnot in the head.
But thats just it, you see-before working I always become completely silent and in that silence there is NOTHING. I could stay like that for hours!
Yes, indeed, mon petit!
But nothing comes!
Well?
Well, after a certain length of timebecause after all, time passes I have to work.
Ah, but perhaps thats not the way!
Then, obviously, I catch hold of some idea sometimes its the right idea, sometimes it isnt.
Its not so much a question of an idea being right or not but of the vibration of the Force.
If I say all this its because I see to what extent Sri Aurobindo views this book as an important tool for world-wide workfrom the beginning he has taken it seriously. And he is so very much HERE that it seems to me not at all impossible that he HIMSELF is stimulating the expression.
Its not so much a question of ideas, because all that is quite fine.
Read your final page to me. I dont care about the coherence of ideas. Read the final page for me to see whether I feel that same Force in it.
Yes, but I will have to redo all that precedes it.
You are going to do it all over? But it doesnt matter. You know what the logic of a book means to me!
You see, when I want a TRUE impression of a book, I open it at random; then I look at the first page, the last page sometimes I read the ending, then I go back to the beginningit doesnt matter where. What I want to know is whether the Force is there.
Ordinary logic Read! Anywhere, the middle of a sentence, it doesnt matter!
(after the reading)
I would like to go over it all again.
But isnt what you call the thread going to make the whole thing heavy?
A thread is missing. I dont know, some people can write in bits and pieces, here and there, but not me. If I dont feel that everything behind me is completed, I cant go ahead. I need to have a flow.
Listen, think it over. Because Im not so sure. When I see, I see segments: a blank, another segment, a blank (Mother seems to sketch a kind of diagram in space), then an apotheosis at the endyour ending is magnificent.
Its not necessary for the whole book to proceed in the same way.
The most revelatory part can be in segments (you know, just as it comes). The thread is an invisible one the link of a Presenceo therwise it comes in bursts, and that has a lot of force.
All youve read to me now is quite fine, and it would certainly be less fine if something were there connecting it all up.
To me its clear that some segments are unsuitable.
Unsuitable or incomplete?
Unsuitable.
Well, then take them out! Why not? It may be contrary to logic, even to higher logic, but what do we care!
I will try to see. If I catch the thread, it will be all right but I must catch it.
You have to concretely feel that Sri Aurobindos full Power of expression is there (I dont mean the words, its not a question of words), but the power to transmit knowledge (not mental knowledge, experience). Its constantly there. So an attentive silence but be very patient, because as soon as the Force comes, something begins to stir in the mental regions. Then there is also a sort of eagerness to seize hold and it ruins the thing.
I have noticed that the true inspiration doesnt come when one is very, very anxious, nor even when you have a very intense aspiration, but (how to put it?) when you succumb in a smile, and it all goes blank. Then theres nothing; but if you know how to curb impatience (simply delighting in His beatitude, even if ages passdelighting in His beatitude), then suddenly, when you least expect itflash! Thats IT!
This has happened to me very, very oftensuddenly, poff! And with such certainty!
Mother, give me one single indication. Dont you think I should cut out what I read to you yesterday? It would be a relief if you told me.
I dont think so, mon petit! I dont think so. I cant tell you for sure because Im not the one who heard ityou know what I mean? No memory is operating. Were you to ask me to repeat a single word of what you have written, I couldnt do ityet I listened to you.
I have a sort of vision in my head of parts of sentences, three or four words where the impression was what I told you: Not necessary. But it was a very minor thing. It was more an attitude, an attitude in the expression. But it wasnt disturbing.
I keep feeling that Sri Aurobindo wants the conclusion to be swift; and I myself (probably not with his power of comprehension) have a vision, a sort of feeling coming from a great height above, that the most important part of the book should be very abruptlike breaking through a door, flinging it wide-open, and emerging in a rush of light. Thats all. Now keep quiet and see what happens.
***
(Mother gets up to leave)
We are too much the slaves of time.
Its not always when you think youre wasting your time that things go slowest. I have found out that theres a certain attitudean attitude of openness towards eternity, to be precise that makes things happen more quickly. Much more quickly.
***
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last updated: 2022-02-04 21:13:28
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