(Letter to Mother from Satprem, once again in Pondicherry)
Pondicherry, July 10, 1959
Mother,
Please excuse me, but I cannot come to meet you. My heart is broken. I would not know how to speak to you.
A moment ago I barely found the strength not to kill myself. Destiny has repeated itself once again, but this time it was not I who rejected her, as in past existences, it is she who rejected me: Too late. For a moment, I thought I was going to go crazy too, so much pain did I have then finally I said, May Thy Will be done, (that of the Supreme Lord) and I kept repeating, Thy Grace is there, even in the greatest suffering. But I am broken, rather like a living dead man. So be happy, for I will never wear the white robe that Guruji gave me.
You will understand that I do not have the strength to come to see you. My only strength is not to rebel, my only strength is to believe in the Grace in the face of everything. I believe I have too much grief in my heart to rebel against anything at all. I seem to have a kind of great pity for this world.
Well, this time I shall remain silent.
Adieu, Mother.
Signed: Satprem
***
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